Angel Card Readings by Barbara

Hello fellow light followers. 

I now do personal Following the Light/Angel Card Readings over the phone, by Skype and in person by appointment. For an in person appointment in the local Acadiana area please email me via the “contact me: form and I will respond with availability. Thanks!

My new website and blog spot are at http://followingthelightangels.com/

Postive Changes - 2014 Year of the Horse

OMG another year is here...and so much is changing in my life yet again. Just bought a house, have two new pets, my boyfriend and I are getting serious, and I am starting my Following The Light business this year, which will include intuitive angel card readings.

I don't know about you, but for me 2013 was a year of great transition. Emotionally I let go of so much of the thought processes that kept me stuck. Spiritually I joined a Catholic church and am going to be a confirmed Catholic on Feb. 1st. I felt I needed structure in my spiritual life and my grandmother on my mother's side was Catholic and believe she has led me to the church. I remember her reading her rosary every night and when she came to visit over the weekends my Dad taking her to mass on Sunday. She was so at peace with her life and always so positive. I miss you grammy.

My sister and brother came out for Thanksgiving last year and it was so nice to visit with them. The Nelsons hadn't been together for quite awhile. It was their first time in Louisiana. I hope they come back. Perhaps during crawfish season!

So why intuitive readings? I can't seem to get away from doing them. People hear that I do readings and I end up giving them a reading. And I feel God is leading me there or the doors wouldn't be opening. For so long I waited for doors to open and no matter how much I prayed and pleaded with God, they remained closed. So I detached from pleading with the Universe to give me something that it wasn't ready to manifest yet. Nothing happens before it's time. Sure you can make plans, but unless the Universe is behind it, it just won't happen.

You don't do this type of business to make money. In fact, it's kind of like the movie Hereafter, with Matt Damon. You really don't want to do it, because you don't want everyone to know you are different and have this gift. But it keeps coming up and you can no longer deny it. So my brother is helping with the website and I hope to start doing readings once I am settled into new home.

Gosh so much is happening and it has a lot to do with the upcoming Chinese New Year on Jan. 31st which is proceeded by a new moon on January 30. And it is one of my favorite animals The Year of the Horse. Horses represent movement. And is it no surprise I am moving next month. Wow!

It's going to be one heck of a year with this animal leading us. So hold on tight, changes are afoot. To find out more about the year of the horse and about how it will affect you just Google "Chinese New Year" or "Year of the Horse." Make sure you find out what animal you are and how this year will interact with that animal. Pretty interesting stuff I think anyway. I am a dog.

So onward I go, much happier for sure. I love my two pets Lucy and Sofie and my boyfriend Corwyn. I hope he doesn't get mad that I put him last. LOL. They all fill my life with so much light and laughter!

A New Path to Walk

Has it really been that long, since I've been motivated to write on this blog? Holy, moly...I guess it has indeed. So many things have happened in one year. I've finally moved into a home. Apartment living definitely has its limitations on one's life that's for sure. This home has amazingly peaceful and positive energy. It's way out in the country, but close enough to where I know my neighbors and my landlord. Shopping is also close, as is a gym that just relocated closer to my side of town.

My home has an eat in kitchen. And with the addition of a Christmas gift from my sister, a Kitchenaid mixer, I've started baking again  I am also planning a herb and vegetable garden as soon as it warms up a bit.

The two-bed room home has a huge yard with shade trees and lots of greenery. I often get up and watch the sunrise and arrive home from work to watch the sunset. I've seen all kinds of wildlife and been serenaded by several types of birdsong from the sweet high-pitched Cardinal in the morning to the moon-loving ominous hoot owls at night. It's my slice of heaven and ever so serene, especially after a long day of working in the corporate world Monday through Friday.

However, my work life is a bit calmer this year. Last year my company underwent an international merger. My role was to lead the marketing department in the re-branding of 71 national offices, redesigning our website and all of our marketing collateral and support information. No small task, but it was a success.

Now living happily in this country setting, I can concentrate on my passion of spiritual enlightenment. Nature has a way of connecting one to the Divine at a deeper level. And in seeking the Light for several years and through many trial and tribulations along the way, I am wiser and now wish to be of service to those also seeking the Light.

During the last two years, I've also started attending a Catholic church and church group on a regular basis. My grandmother was Catholic and even though she has long since passed, she is still with me in spirit. Thanks grammy, I love you.

So within the next month, I am launching my own business called "Following the Light." I have embraced the fact that I am an empath and an intuitive and feel the gentle tug of God calling me to serve others also on their path in the ascension process or to a deeper understanding of life.

I have taken several classes throughout the years and read countless books on angels, energy, the ascension process, astrology, numerology, Kabbalah, working with the Light and guides, the power of conscious intention, Reiki, and many other new age topics. Still my belief in Jesus Christ and regular bible study keeps me grounded. My latest class is Doreen Virtue's Certified Angel Card Reader course that will help me to provide more focused and meaningful readings.

Here's some of things I've learned along the path to enlightenment. Oprah I hope you don't mind but "What I know for Sure" is:

Being myself is the only way to true happiness.

My beliefs about life is what shows up in my life.

No one circumstance can change my life, but my continued thoughts about it can.

Money is not my source of happiness my connection to the Divine is.

Everything happens for a reason and sometimes we don't know the reason until long after its over.

We see faults in others that are mirrors of what we need to work on oursleves.

Most of the time we don't appreciate what we have until its gone or they leave us.

I can't change anyone else, I can only change myself and in changing myself my Light vibrates higher and may end up changing them anyway.

However, I can't take anyone anywhere they aren't prepared to go by themselves.

There is no perfect relationship, only perfectly loving someone for who they are and how they show up in our lives.

Doubt and fear are the only causes of unhappiness.

I can change a condition by changing my mind about it.

Sending Light and letting go and letting God creates miracles.

I may not get what I want...but I always get what I need to grow.

Trying to make someone love me is disrespecting myself and in the end they either love me or they don't, nothing I do or say will ever change that.

Love isn't about getting, it's about giving. If I go into a relationship thinking only about receiving I will leave empty handed. If I go into a relationship with an open heart and a giving attitude, I will be changed by the experienced.

Giving from the heart always attracts more love and when you give you will receive, perhaps not from that person or at that moment, but trust that it will come.

There is no separation between me and you.

We are all one and what I think about you, I also think about myself. What I do to you, I also do to myself.

We are all creators and create our own realities...but in order to create what we want, we have to use conscious intent.

If you aren't conscious, you are living in an illusion.

Now is the only moment that exists, everything else is an illusion.

There is no power in pondering the past, nor worrying about the future. The Power is in consciously creating in the Now moment.

Concentrate on what you want more of, not what you don't want.

We are here to experience for God and God is love.

Jesus  loved everyone, but He was also discerning. Jesus only picked 12 to follow him, not everyone fits into your circle, choose wisely.

Light attracts Light and darkness attracts darkness.

Satan or darkness exists because if all were Light and happiness, we wouldn't need to be here. We need duality to learn.

The darkest room can be illuminated by the smallest light.

There's always more to learn and when the student is ready, the teacher shows up.

Positive prayer works!

Please take with you from this what aligns with your spirit. Namaste!

Another Rainy Day in South Louisiana

It’s been over six months since my last blog entry and I find myself in a very different place, maybe not geographically, but spiritually and emotionally. I am on my own again, living in a one-bedroom apartment in Lafayette, LA. Although I made several attempts to leave here, for whatever reason the Universe has me staying put for awhile at least.

While I look out my bedroom window where my computer is situated, the rain is falling. It’s supposed to rain all day, but that’s ok with me. I am getting over a touch of bronchitis, so I have all the windows open and am enjoying the rain drops as they fall over the evergreen South Louisiana landscape. Plus the rain makes for a better crawfish season and I can’t wait to enjoy the tasty mud puppies again. Crawfish are only in season for a few months. You can get them all year long, but they taste best February through May.

Everything has its season even relationships; and as I sit here writing this blog, I release yet another lover, who for whatever reason did not work out. And although I will miss him, I truly believe it is for the best. He was an old flame that much like the last time we met burned brightly in the beginning but soon fizzled. I believe he was a soul mate, which I believe we have many in our lifetimes. Soul mates don’t always stick around. In fact, sometimes we learn more about ourselves in their departures.

In this relationship, being more conscious and a bit wiser, I finally was able to witness my abandonment issues as they unfolded. I realized I still had work to do on my painful childhood and finally put it to rest. Otherwise I would play out this scene with every subsequent lover who crossed my path. Preventing me from experiencing the love I truly deserve.

It isn’t easy finding fault with oneself, but unless we see that every relationship comes to us so that we can look deeper insides ourselves, we will miss the very essence of life. Every relationship takes us closer to the Divine inside ourselves. We will miss that if we pin the blame on the other person in the relationship. No matter what happened in the relationship, it was our choice that we stayed, our choice that we allowed, our choice not to speak up and finally our choice to walk away.

In walking away, I realized that I was still repeating a pattern of falling in love with a man’s potential and not who he was right now. We all have this fantasy lover that we believe will somehow make us whole. But when we project that fantasy onto an unworthy love match, we hang in there awaiting the imaginary partner to appear someday. They won’t, and we are kept in the longing for love stage and not experiencing the love we so deserve.

One of my favorite authors is Sandra Anne Taylor, who has a radio show on Hay House Radio. Lovelorn callers often ask her about love relationships. She tells them to ask themselves one question when it comes to love relationships “does this love honor me.” In your being, you will know the answer.

And so it is, yet another lover leaves and I thank God for my cat Rizzo, who is the true love of my life. Always cuddling up next to me, no matter how good or bad of a day I’ve had. We have weathered much together these past few years and with him as my constant companion, I am never lonely.

What’s next for me? I am the marketing and communications manager for a company that just merged with an Australian firm, taking horseback riding lessons, making new friends, working out and enjoying my life. And when a love comes a knocking next time, I’ll be even more conscious and better prepared to deal with my part in the dance of intimacy.

The Harvest and The Droughts of Life

It's been more than two months since my hip replacement surgery, and I am now walking without the aid of a cane. Full recovery is expected within three to six months of the surgery.

Meanwhile, I've had a lot of downtime these past few months, but I hit the ground running after the surgery (well almost). I am volunteering at a local Food Bank to do their public relations. I also started writing a weekly inspirational column for the website Global Light Minds. I've also had time to hammer out the first five chapters of my book Following The Light - thanks in part to my editor friend Sue, who has been a constant source of inspiration and encouragement.

However, I've let go of trying to figure out where the Universe will take me next. Sometimes all the planning in the world will never get you what you think you want. During this mecca to find my purpose, my truth, I've often had to throw my hands in the air and say "not my will but yours God."

I've also had to look at the darker sides of my being and honor them and then release them. Loaded with limiting beliefs that held me back, I was truly stuck and couldn't find the path forward. I've knocked on doors only to find that no matter how hard I rapped they would remain closed to me. I scratched my head, cried in fear, called out to God in the darkness asking "why." Only to find the answers didn't come.

The voids are where I feel you do your best work on your soul. You have time to look in the mirror, because there are no outside influences being thrust upon you. You have to talk to yourself. You have to fall in love with all of you, the good, the bad and the ugly parts.

None of us are born perfect. No matter how we want to believe we are whole, parts of us remain in the past, parts of us are contemplating the future and parts of us we have yet to discover.

Sitting in the unknown zone for so long, I am now OK with not knowing. My plans have changed so much since I left the Northeast, that I can't even remember how many times I've sat in bewilderment of what do I do next. I still make plans, but I detach from the outcome and I no longer put all my energy into a desired result.

It's take a lot of courage to be remain detached, to wait, to not push and that's what I had to do. My whole life I had grand plans and most of the time I strong-armed them into working out. But then here I was asking to live my truth. At the time, I thought I knew what that was, but it seems it was so deeply buried that it would take nearly two years of soul-searching to unearth it. Had I know this before I left, I am sure I would have stayed put and worked my nine-to-five public relations job in the city, did my three-hour commute daily and been satisfied in doing it. But that would have been a mistake, as we seldom are given enough insight to know failure will be our greatest teacher.

After leaving New York/New Jersey, I moved to New Mexico and nothing worked out. A full-time job never materialized, one of my roommates threatened me with violence and I didn't find love. I lost my dignity and my shirt, so to speak and it took a long time to forgive myself for not being more prepared for the worst. I thought the magic carpet would be rolled out for me, since I was following my truth. Well truth isn't what or where one might think it is, or so I have come to find.

The truth is we are human and we make mistakes, and life isn't supposed to be a bed of roses. Life has drought times and harvest times, we have to learn to appreciate both. In the drought years, we look inside for nourishment in the harvest years we look outward. During the drought times, we find out the most about ourselves. During the harvest times, we find out most about how we interact with the world. Both are required. All the time we are healing, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

If we are lucky, we have more harvest times, but don't expect them to last. We can't exist in an eternal harvest. A farmer knows enough to let a field be idle for a year, because it can't support continuous life. The soil needs to be nourished and to rest.

I believe its the same aspect that's been happening to the economy. We experienced an over abundance and the Universe had to pull it back into perspective or so I think.

Drought times aren't the most enjoyable, especially when you are ill prepared for them. But still they are necessary for soul development and for advancement, because whether or not we are conscious of it healing is taking place, changes are made and hopefully what emerges is a something better.

I don't have all the answers. All I know is life is change and we need to enjoy and honor the transformational energies in both the harvest and drought periods.

Namaste.

No Thanks, I'll Pass

I recently had a dear friend call me and say she met a man that needs a good woman and she thought of me. This isn't the first time this has happened. These recommendations from friends nearly always start off with "well, he's recently divorced and depressed," which immediately sends up red flags in my brain. I can't stress this enough when someone says anything remotely like this to you: run like hell.

I am currently single and have been divorced for 12 years. Some how people equate being single with being miserable. In fact, the opposite is true and until you can be happy being single you will never achieve happiness in a relationship.

First off, you are not responsible for any one's happiness but your own, nor are you responsible to to heal someone from a bad divorce or break up. Believe me I've been there and done that and have no need to repeat this experience.

Yes, it is true that after a certain age it becomes increasingly difficult to find quality people to date, especially for women. That is unless you want to date much younger men, which I've done, but with very little long-term success.

However, to my point. I have no desire to enter a relationship with anyone who thinks I can provide their happiness or uplift them from some deep dark hole they find themselves in. People just out of a relationship are rarely ready for a committed relationship. If they say they are, they cannot be alone, which should send up a reg flag. Processing issues from a breakup, especially from a long-term relationship takes years, not months.

I believe when the time is right, when we are at our happiest, we just attract the right person. In a healthy relationship, both parties are happy. Both parties can maintain their own lives. They don't need someone or something outside themselves to make them so.

But as we all know, most relationships aren't formed on happiness. They are formed on need and until one can provide for their own needs, they have no business in a relationship.

Also I would like to talk a bit about Internet dating. Hated it. Over a five-year period I attempted to meet someone from a myriad of sites. Most of the time I wanted to run from the meeting place screaming. I think these sites are fine for people in their 20s and 30s, who base love on lust and physical appearances. But when you want a relationship with more depth, I just feel you just have to be patient and wait on the Universe to bring it to you.

As you work on yourself and become the person you love, when you fall in love with your own life, you just naturally attract into your life the kind of person and the kind of relationship you desire. I don't think you can force the Universe to give you something you aren't ready for.

You are the one standing in the way of a good relationship. When you are still thinking about your ex, whether you are missing him or are thinking about killing him, you are telling the Universe that you want him or someone just like him. The Universe doesn't process hate thoughts, so when you think about a past love on any terms on a regular basis, you are sending messages to the Universe that you want him back.

Like I said it takes years to process a breakup and until you are ready for love again, you are going to get everything but.

I have finally reached a point where I just don't care anymore whether or not I meet someone. I am happy with me. A friend of mine said to me one day a long time ago, you just have to let go of thinking about men and get on with life.

I am here now. Thank you God!!!

To The New Earth

Spring is here or soon will be. Of course down here in South Louisiana it's been in the 60s and 70s for months. Today's high is 85. Don't envy me too much for summers here hit the high 90s and if the heat doesn't kill you the humidity surely will.

I am past my hip replacement surgery and boy does it feel good to be on the other side of that one. I am one month out now and am walking with a cane. I can drive at six weeks and look forward to my regular gym workouts in two more months.

I feel a new beginning coming on, after what was the hardest two years of my life. But I digress and if you want to hear more about my harrowing journey you'll have to read it on previous blog entries. I am leaving the past in the past.

Now, I am concentrating on healing, then a full-time job in Austin, the move there and my new life there. Yippee Ki-yay!!!! Can't wait to taste Texas BBQ, especially beef ribs. It's hard to find good beef ribs. I like pork too, but beef ribs are the best.

Yes, I still eat meat. I've been toying with becoming a vegetarian, but never could get myself to stay away from the occasional hamburger or BBQ.

In the recovery and time off, I've got to keep up on the world news. My heart goes out to all those suffering in the recent earthquakes and tsunami as well as those in the Middle East struggling to overthrow their fascist regimes.

We can't deny that the earth and the world is changing. Chaos seems to rule the day on several parts of the globe. People say this is the end times. Yes, perhaps many things are going to end. I would be glad to say goodbye to the way the banks and corporate America rule this country. I would like to see humans pull together instead of fighting religious wars. I would like to see hatred of Jews and Muslims end. I would also like to see American and other countries be less dependent on oil and put funding into clean reliable energy. I don't feel it's nuclear power for reasons now obvious.

Change, yes things are going to change. I believe more earth and climate changes are ahead as well. I also see more non-democratic countries coming into consciousness and wanting their freedom. It's like the whole earth is waking up and saying no more. No more materialistic thinking. No more religious persecution.No more poisoning the earth. No more restriction of freedom.

Perhaps end times are followed by a new beginning. In many cultures including the Mayan, there was either no prediction of what was to follow 2012 or it was total destruction. Perhaps it's left up to us. Perhaps we either choose to love one another or continue to hate. I believe a new beginning must be based on love and freedom, not hatred and restriction by governments that have outgrown their usefulness.

We are on the verge of a new way of life here on earth and those clinging to the old ways of living are going to be left behind. Perhaps that's the Apocalypse means. For me I am going to live each day to its fullest.

It hasn't been reported so much on the news as of yet, but I can't help but notice how we are pulling together more than ever before. Japan is getting aid from all over the globe and now several countries including the Arab world have united against Libya to rid it of it's fascist leader. So some good has come out of some very bad situations or so I think.

Blessings to you for living during this amazing time on earth. Enjoy the beautiful full moon and Spring Equinox energies. Love to all!

A New Beginning in 2011

It's been awhile since I've blogged. It is winter, even down here in South Louisiana it gets cold and things slow down. Not much happening really. I am volunteering at Goodwill Industries and writing my first book. I also find myself in a personal year one. Numerologists say life runs in nine year cycles. You can calculate your personal year by going to any free numerology site and inputting your birth data. Last year was a nine year for me, which meant endings and boy did I feel some endings.

This year being a huge new beginning for me, I find myself more conscious and the past all but faded away. I am living in the Now moment. Although I am formulating plans for the future. By the end of this nine-year cycle, I plan on making a living by being published book author, living abroad for part of the year, and have a healthy, nurturing, spiritual and passionate relationship with a man. What I love about being in a year one is that I don't have to accomplish all of this in one year. I have nine years to make it all happen.

However, in order to enter a one year without the past dragging behind you, you must have processed your past and let it go. And I feel Spirit took me on a journey to do just that. I don't think I could have arrived at my destination without clearing out all the energy that was defining me and dragging me down. Whether we want to admit it or not, life events and unforgiveness of those events weigh us down and prevent the new from entering. 2010 was a complete life review from past relationships, jobs and how I related to men and money.

Along with all of this looking back, there is also a huge evolutionary change happening to humans. Perhaps this is what 2012 is all about, a new earth and a new human. If you want to look into this phenomenon just look up the word Ascension on any Internet search engine. Hundreds, if not thousands of sites now talk about the Ascension process and how it is changing the earth and its inhabitants.

For me the Ascension process has helped me to be more intuitive. I don't feel I could have awakened fully in a major metropolis like Manhattan. It would have been too much sensory input.

That's why Austin, Texas seems to be beckoning me forward. It's got a small town feel with big city offerings. I hope to have most of my first book written by springtime and then take the last leap of this journey that is now more than a year in the making. Austin is environmentally friendly and the cost of living has remained low compared to other cities in the US. It also has a huge job base. TIME magazine did an article featuring several new companies based in Austin called Austin's Way.

I took a trip to Austin last fall to look into a teaching internship that didn't happen. While there I took a city tour. It did indeed feel like a small town, even with the state capital and the University of Texas dead center of the city. The night life has hundreds of venues to chose from. It's dubbed the Live Music Capital of the World. Several magazines including Outdoor and Money magazines have rated Austin as one of the top 10 places to live in the US. Plus Texas has no state income tax and auto insurance is lower than Louisiana where I now am living.

So as Cajun's say Si Bon!!! It's all good!

A Dose of Reality for Many This Year

Wow, can't believe another year has come and gone and what a year it has been. This country is still in a recession despite what propaganda the government spews out. Many people are unemployed or underemployed and this holiday season may not find them at their jolliest. But Americans are survivors. We don't give up. We just pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and keep on keeping on.

For me, this year has not been the easiest of my life. I've worked Christmas retail in Albuquerque, counted people for the US Census in Lafayette, LA, started my book about my journey and this blog. Sure I wish I was doing better financially, but money has not been the reason for this journey Westward. It was my truth I set out for and truth was given in spades. I took a lot of baggage with me from New York, over 50 years worth. And as Spirit often does, It made me look at that baggage before I could let it go.

More than a year later, I am lighter by far. I have released many limiting beliefs and am able to see Spirit in action in my life. The Universe whether we believe it or not gives us what we want and only what we truly believe is possible. So if you see the world as an unfriendly horrible place that is what will show up for you.

But if you know that the Universe is conspiring to do you good that is what you will experience. But in order for me to get to that point, Spirit had to show me what my limiting beliefs were creating in my life. I am not going to go into all my trials and tribulations of this past year for it is detailed in this blog and my upcoming book. But suffices to say I've been to hell and back.

However nearing the tail end of this part of my journey, I am more at peace than I have ever been in my life. I know there is a forever expanding Universe that gives us what we want and believe is possible. We are the creators of our lives and until we start taking action on the things we want, we will be stuck with more of what we don't want.

Your predominant thoughts create your reality. I've always had a grand imagination, but my old beliefs in how the world works had to drop away. I believe that our childhood can have a negative impact on our lives, if we don't put it in proper perspective. We often react to the world the way in which we reacted in our primary families. If we were exposed to abusive parents, we have to work to change our beliefs so we don't see everyone in the world as stand ins for those abusive parents. Consciously we don't know we do it, but subconsciously we have done it all our lives. Guilty as charged.

Changing the view of the world has opened up possibilities for me to move forward in different directions in my life. I think I've tested the waters in every professional endeavor I could think of the past year, but writing is clearly my forte. I also love to travel, love to meet new and interesting people and experience different cultures. Some how I have to make a living out of that for in what you love is the answer.

The holidays are here! And I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for my new lease on life. I am no longer angry and bitter. The painful past has dropped away. I now see the world as a friendly place and welcome all the good the Universe can throw at me.

And 2011 it will be mine!!!

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and may all the Light in the world shine down upon you and yours this holiday season!!! May God Bless YOU All!!!

Out of the Darkness and Into the Light

Here it is over a year now, since I started this journey to seek a more meaningful existence. Perhaps the meaningless needed to drop away first, before it could find me.

After leaving the Northeast to seek happiness out West, I am returning to New York/New Jersey to spend my birthday and Thanksgiving with family and friends. No longer having to live or work in the city on a permanent basis, I can again enjoy the city for all it offers, great food, great people and great entertainment.

Looking back now, I experienced much success in my professional life in New York. I fulfilled my dream of becoming a magazine editor and I took a look at public relations. It didn't take long for me to realize I just didn't like the public relations business. While the money was good compared to journalism, I didn't feel the satisfaction I felt with being a journalist. As a journalist you are rewarded with a certain contentment just knowing you got the facts straight and either entertained your audience or informed them or both. As a daily newspaper reporter, you did the community a service in reporting on civic events and other important topics.

However, during the past few years, newspapers across the nation have made major cuts to coverage and staffing. Some closed their doors for good. I also didn't really want to repeat my past, but was looking for something new that gave me the same or deeper fulfillment. So during the last two years I've looked at many options in my professional career -- going back to school to either study creative writing or film, buying and operating a bed and breakfast, operating a daycare business, working for the United Nations, working for the US Forestry Department and working in the travel industry.

But none of that came to pass. At the same time I was looking for a more fulfilling professional life, I was also dealing with a major health issue without medical insurance. Like many in this country during this recession, life has not been easy street.

I guess the saying you are only as successful as your ability to get beyond your greatest challenge rang true for me this past year. Although moving to New Mexico wasn't a mistake per se, it didn't turn out the way I had anticipated. My roommate situation became volatile overnight and without full-time employment I couldn't afford a place of my own. I eventually had to rely on family and friends for assistance. Now, I am coming out of this year-long odyssey that tested the limits of my very soul.

But without trials and tribulations in life, how would we find true happiness? Duality can be trying, but what would life be without it. How would you know true joy, if you didn't experience sadness? Life is a series of ups and downs and you have to learn to ride out your trips to the subterranean levels and then find the light back out again. You have to realize the darkness is the way shower to your greatest discoveries. How else can one see the light, but through the darkness?

During your time at those depths, you find yourself going over your existence up to that point. You start asking yourself deep questions. You look at all your major life choices and why you made them. You ask yourself how did I get to this point? What could I have done differently? In processing the past, you realize how you’ve hurt others, how selfish you’ve been, how utterly horrible you are. But some how you discover self forgiveness whilst you wander the halls of the ominous never-ending void. You come to the realization that you did the best you could with who you were at the time.

Forgiveness of others also awaits you there -- parents, siblings, friends, lovers and co-workers. You realize they also did the best they could with where they were in life; and if you don’t forgive them their trespasses, you’ll just be stuck in wander mode all the longer.

Meanwhile your soul is crying out to fulfill its life’s purpose. You ask yourself just what the heck am I suppose to do with this life, these gifts I’ve been given? Being a writer has been both a blessing and a curse. You know you are a good writer, but just how to make a living at it escapes you. Plus you no longer want your writing to be bastardized by corporate America. You long to write about something that matters. So you write a book proposal that piques the interest of a small publisher, but then you choke on just where to start the damn story of your life. It’s put on the back burner while you figure out how to handle your health issues and imploding financial woes. And then you ask, where’s the ending of this so called life story? What’s the point, if there’s no happy ending?

In addition to handling all life's day-to-day problems, you are finally able to release the old. Old worn out beliefs, old clothes, old ways of doing things and old ways of thinking are purged. If you want change, you unfortunately are the one who has to change. You can't expect the world to change, first because it isn't what needs changing, and second of all you don't have the power to change it. You can only change the way in which you react to it.

So you go through a metamorphosis of sorts. You revamp your thinking. You are no longer bitter and plagued by regrets of what could have been. You have to let go of regret, anger and sadness. Don't ask me exactly how. It happens differently for everyone, but I think when you hit rock bottom, you have to transform yourself to climb out of the pit. You can no longer operate under the same assumptions or lest you repeat the same thing over and over again.

You also have to be grateful for everything, even the challenges. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude, can't stress this enough. Just be thankful you have another day to laugh or cry.

During this time you'll knock on several doors that don't open. Early on it's the same doors you used to rap on that opened wide, but those doors are along the old path. "Don't put a comma where God put a period."

And then there is the waiting period in the darkness, when you have no idea how the heck you are ever going to be the same again. You cry and rant at God, asking why, why, me? Why do I have to go through this? All the while remembering you are the one who asked for change. You asked for spiritual enlightenment and asked not to be the same. That's the whole point of the journey, transformational change.

Spirit whispers to you there is a waiting period. You have to sit in the unknowing for awhile. You have to accept you don't have the answers. No matter how you plead for them, they don't come. Your ego is being dismantled. Slowly but surely your ego desires fall away. You throw your hands up to God, saying "Okay what's next, because I don't have a clue. Not my will, but yours be done."

Then you are ready to ask the ultimate question. "How can I serve?"

And shortly thereafter the turning point comes and you again see some sense to this mecca through madness. Spirit has been talking quietly to you. Only in the quiet will you hear It. You understand now that where you used to be, you couldn't hear Spirit calling you. All you could hear was your ego desire for more, more money, more love, more things, more, more, more.... And now you are being asked to be happy with less. Then wala less finally becomes more.

For me Spirit nearly had to hit me over the head, but still I hesitated. Many people in my life were either teachers or becoming teachers. I had, however, looked into teaching several times. In the Northeast living on a teacher's salary would have been quite challenging and making six figures, you really don't seek jobs making 40-something a year.

After several people asked me this past year "have you considered becoming a school teacher," I finally got the hint that perhaps I had better seriously consider it as a career path. So just this month, I applied for a teaching internship with the Austin Independent School District. Plus here in the South a teacher's salary is in line with the lower cost of living. The internship program begins with online classes in January, live classes in March and then you become a teacher intern with full teacher pay and benefits in the 2011/2012 school year. I've decided to teach special education.

How did I decide on special education? Well, while still living in the Northeast I had met a young boy, the 12-year-old Autistic son of a former boss in New York. I felt an immediate connection to Connor. I loved being around him, and I felt I could help him some how if I spent more time with him. But that wasn't to be. So when I arrived in New Mexico I volunteered to do the public relations at two non-profits that helped children with developmental disabilities. But that didn't seem to be enough for me. I wanted direct interaction with children. I wanted to give back. I wanted to help.

So there you have it, one year and one month after leaving the Big Apple, I have a new career in the making as an elementary school teacher. I have come to the conclusion that everything actually does happen for a reason. If you want change, you are going to have to spend some time becoming that change, and that process isn't going to be comfortable. It’s definitely not for those afraid of the dark or of being in the state of unknowing for any length of time. But in the nebulous void, you will find God. To Him you were never really lost in the first place. You just had to come to the conclusion that His plan was better than any plan you could have come up with on your own.

Birthing a New Life, While Healing the Old

Making a life change is a process. Just as the creation of anything new, it takes time. Something we humans like to bend, speed up and circumvent only if we could. We can't.

So here I am smack dab in the middle of a mid-life change that is nearly a year in the making. The past is all but faded away, but the new has yet to be. I've been slowed down quite a bit by hip dysplasia and financial flow, but this too has it's benefits. When you can't get around like you used to for whatever reason, you find inner work to do. And if you don't find it, it will find you.

About this time last year, I was finishing up my class on The Four Agreements based on the book with the same name by Don Miguel Ruiz. An amazing book that leads you to your truth, based on four simple principles.

1) Be impeccable with your word.

2) Don't take anything personally.

3) Don't make assumptions.

4) Always do your best.

I had read the book years before, so this was my second go round with these principles. This time I shared my thoughts with others in a classroom setting, which helped. Listening to others speak their truth also helped. I realized I couldn't live the Four Agreements working in Manhattan and that was part of my unhappiness. So I took off for parts in New Mexico and just like the song by the Dixie Chicks Room to Make a Big Mistake, it was to be my Waterloo or as one old friend put it Custer's last stand.

However as mistakes often do, I was led a little closer to my truth. Last fall when I left New York/New Jersey I had no real idea what my truth was. I just knew I wasn't living it and I was miserable. So I wanted to get as far away from city life as I possibly could. Yikes desert life did not suit me and I hated being called a Gringo. And this new life of living with Gay women, who were in a Native American ritualistic group didn't suit me either. Somehow I thought being amongst fellow truth seekers would help me find my own. But it was their truth I found and I found myself the odd man out many times living there. I honored them following their truth, but I was still in search of mine.

Realizing now that was just as far from my truth as Manhattan turned out to be, I picked myself up with the one good hip I had, brushed myself off and am now living with a good friend in Lafayette, Louisiana. Just so happens I am still friends with my ex-husband and that's a truth a lot of people don't live. And there are some ex's of mine I wouldn't call a friend, but fortunately Jim is one I can. His OCD still drives me up the wall, but then my cat's hair drives him even further up the wall. So we are coping with living together enjoying it at times until my surgery is over and I am healed, which should be about one year since I left Montclair, NJ.

It's no coincidence that I have just picked up The Fifth Agreement by the well know author and now his son Don Jose Ruiz, realizing that everything does happen at the right time, even big mistakes. The fifth agreement is about being skeptical, but learning to listen. Something I should have been a little more of before I left for New Mexico, but the book wasn't written yet. Gee thanks Don Miguel Ruiz. Just getting into the book, but basically it's about this concept (weird I was just thinking of this very concept this week) those who seek a deeper meaning in life question everything. Everyone has a truth, listen for it. Everything has a truth, expand your awareness to find it. I believe books find you instead of the other way around and this one came into my life right when I needed it.

I've been able to get lost in the silence of the Deep South and that's the only way truth will find you. It can't find you working a high-stress job that takes your very soul. It can't find you when you are complaining about it. In the silence you shall find me. In the wee hours of the night, the truth starts seeping in. To me it said, "You are a writer. That's your gift use it for good, but write about what your passionate about, not what someone pays you to write." So I started this blog and I realized I had stopped writing for me when I had to write for corporate America. My creative abilities were stifled in New York. I actually broke down at a friend's house while still in New York, saying "I left my husband 12 years ago to find myself and to concentrate on my writing and now look at what I am writing bylines on how to eradicate bed bugs for a property management company." I had some how gotten way off course and it had killed my creative spirit. But one does have to make a living. Even though I was making more money than I had ever made in my professional career, I wasn't living. Not the life I wanted anyway.

A wonderful medium I am using to find my creative voice is a mandala coloring book. It found its way to me through a wonderful new friend in Lincoln, Nebraska. Thank you Sue! Revelations have already come to me. It's the coloring, the shapes and sitting in silence or with music and just doing the work with the intention you aren't just passing time. You are honoring your creative side. Art is art and it helps to heal you and bring about change. If you would give yourself over to the process, you will be transformed.

As I was coloring my second Mandala last weekend, something very interesting broke through, something I had deeply buried and not been able to come to terms with in my life. I was coloring a large portion of the background in red when Jim came out on the patio and said what's that for. I said it's suppose to be a spiritual experience.

"Umm...well, I am going to mow the lawn I hope you are done with it by the time I get to the backyard," he said.

I had tried to talk him out of mowing the lawn that day as the mercury was suppose to creep to over a hundred. But his OCD rarely allows him to change his mind and as I was nearing the end when he rounded the corner of the house with the lawn mower. I was putting the finishing touches on my Mandala and a thought came to me about what my mother said about Jim.

When I would express my deep discontent with my passionless marriage, my mother would say. "You are never going to find anyone who loves you as much as Jim does." If she said it once, she said it a hundred times. And then I realized as the red was streaming out of my pencil that my mother never made a decision that wasn't based on fear or the lack of something. The root Chakra starts at the base of the spine and is depicted by the color red and denotes security in life, providing yourself with the basic necessities. I realized my mother had based all her decisions in life on fear of never having enough. She never celebrated her life with her creativity. She was always unhappy, because she never followed her passion. I don't even know what her passion was, because she was so out of touch with herself. After two husbands died of heart attacks, she turned to alcohol and slowly drank herself to death. She couldn't face herself. She couldn't get out of fear mode.

You were wrong Mom, not only for throwing your life away, but for the advice you gave. I realize you didn't know and I forgive you for not knowing. But I am going to follow my passion, my heart, my writing and there is a man out there that will love for me and be passionate.

I realize I am right where I need to be right this very moment, healing the relationship with my ex-husband, who will be a lifelong friend, but not a lover. Finding my voice, expressing it, enjoying the now time and letting go of the past that held me to a life I found passionless.

Meanwhile, I am still working at the Census and have gotten my resume revamped, pieced together my professional portfolio, and gathered references from past employers and clients. Getting ready for the final push to find my truth, realizing that its the journey that ultimately matters, not the destination.

The Change That Makes A Difference

Where in the world has Spring gone. It's already mid July for crying out loud. It's summer and things have slowed down here in the South. The humidity hangs in the air as sun beats it's familiar feeling on your skin. It rains daily, keeping the trees and grass a pleasant shade of green. The insect life here is impressive to say the least. Thank God mosquitos don't like me. The bull frogs sound like ducks quacking in the backyard at night and one beat his way to front door, as if wanting to come. He kept jumping into it, sounded like someone was knocking.

The oil spill lingers on people's minds and hearts, much like a cancer cell that grows larger. I heard BP is hiring adjusters. Many are applying.

Me, I've slowed down and have had time to make the necessary changes that were required. I've taken time to dream a new life. The old one just didn't suit me. I don't even know who that person is anymore.

I suppose many of my friends have not been able to understand my meanderings for the last several months. Once I left New Jersey and Manhattan I guess I was kinda off the page of what they expected me to do. Heck I was off the page in what I expected me to do.

A new chapter in my life was in order and I was tired of having the same conversations with the same people. I felt like I was living the movie Groundhog's Day. It was really dragging me down. Sometimes when we make a change, its the people in our lives that aren't allowing us to do so. They don't see the new you. All they see is the old you. I've stayed in touch via email with most of my good friends, just know I still love you all.

Many changes have been made and sometimes we won't really know what we want until there is nothing in our lives to mirror back to us our old life. You can't remake yourself doing the same things, saying the same things and hanging around with the same folks. Once you change then you can touch base to see who will allow the new you or who will suck you back into that old energy of who you used to be. Just my opinion.

Also I had to change the thoughts that kept running through my head. I had to get rid of "no one will ever love me, all the great guys are taken, I am always going to be broke, I will never write anything of value, I hate my life etc., etc. etc." I didn't really think any of that was true, but some part of me did. Enough of me, which kept me stuck in repeat mode.

I started to love me. Instead of the old limiting thoughts, I filled my head with positive affirmations. I began to see a different world, a world filled with love and laughter, not lack. I concentrated on my life and what I wanted in it, instead of what I didn't want. Basically you have to walk the walk and talk the talk. And now I finally feel that I can heal and move onto a life filled with love, beauty, abundance and laughter.

During the past several months, I've also had to deal with health problems without insurance. However, the Louisiana State University Medical System helps those working individuals without insurance. In fact, Louisiana didn't want the federal healthcare reform program, because this state already takes care of their own citizens. I have to say I have run into some Earth Angels that have helped me, bringing me to tears with all the hugs and love they have given me. I just had to allow them to help me.

Along with having to have my right hip replaced due to hip dysplasia, I found out I am allergic to either gluten or peanuts. Before I went to the doctor, I thought I had everything under the sun. The next step is an allergist to determine the cause of the allergic reaction. But hey I am still alive and kicking. Now, I am just waiting for a surgery date in New Orleans to get my right hip replaced. I will announce that when it happens.

Next up, I plan on moving to Austin in the fall, but one step at a time. First the surgery, then healing and then the move to the city's whose motto suits me fine "Keep Austin Weird." I guess I will fit right in.

Perhaps the best development is that I have started my book and a publisher is interested. I met one of the editors while working at the Census. Getting three chapters to him, has proved a daunting task, but I am doing it. So things are rolling along.

Although things haven't gone smoothly on the road to self-discovery, as bad as they got, I made myself feel better by saying "At least I am not on the commuter bus going into Manhattan." That always seems to put things in perspective for me.

Hurrah...life can begin anew. The Solar Eclipse tomorrow, although not visible in North America, is helping with these new energies everyone is feeling. Well that is if you are tuned into that sort of thing, which I totally am.

I want to thank all of my dear friends who have supported me in following my heart. You know who you are. Maybe you just thought of me happy, maybe you just sent me an email that made me laugh, perhaps you've said a prayer or two. I appreciate everything!

May God bless you all. Namaste.

Celebrating Freedom? A Dose of Reality

How free can Americans truly be this Independence day? "Home of the brave, land of the free," should be changed to "home to the broke, and land of the enslaved." This country's debt is a staggering $13 trillion and counting. Check out the debt counter. http://www.usdebtclock.org/

A large part of this debt can be contributed to the Iraq War that most Americans do not support and were taken into by deceptive measures. Wake up America, our government knew about 911 long before it happened. If they didn't help to plan it, they allowed it. Buildings don't come down like that unless there are strategically placed detonations devices. Metal doesn't melt by jet fuel alone. It was never about terrorism. It was about instilling fear into Americans, so that corporations could rob the world of oil. But moving on.

We are in the worst economic times since the Great Depression and it ain't over yet. Check out this video. I watched the entire presentation on Link TV by Richard D. Wolff, Professor of Economics Emeritus, University of Massachusetts, Amherst.

In May, one in every 400 households in this country had received a foreclosure filing, according to RealtyTrac 's U.S. Foreclosure Market Report. The US unemployment rate for the last two years has hovered around 10 percent, only rivaled by the period in the mid 1980s. Check it out: http://www.miseryindex.us/urbymonth.asp

Congress sold out to corporate America long ago, passing laws allowing them to do as they please. Corporate America has experienced record productivity and profit levels over the last 40 years, according to Wolff. Due in part by its massive outsourcing practices, putting millions of Americans out of work. Getting even more greedy, some Wall Street genius created an investment vehicle called CMBS (Commercial Mortgage Backed Securities), which is now bringing down lenders worldwide -- harkening back the days of the early 1990's and the Savings and Loan crisis. However, we have already surpassed the number of banks that have failed in the S&L catastrophe and as of March 31 the FDIC is in a deficit of $20.7 billion. Bank failures are expected to peak this year (83 have failed already in 2010) and be slightly higher than the 140 that fell in 2009. Check it out: http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/banking/2010-06-19-bank-failure-pace-tops-2009_N.htm

According to Wolff, the reason we are in such dire straights is because even though corporate profits are up, corporations haven't increased the standard of living for Americans since the 1970s when you compare inflation rates with salaries. However, as Wolff states, Americans work longer hours than any other country in the world. So we are working harder and longer for less money. And you'll love this, because our standard of living hasn't increased, the credit card companies loan us the money to buy all the material things they say we need. And because we no longer make the money to save to buy a house, companies loan us money, which they then trade on to make additional money. And low and behold when Americans were at their debt limit and could no longer pay-- wala the subprime mortgage meltdown. Corporate America lulled Americans into complacency and we bought it hook, line and sinker.

In case you didn't get the concept yet let me explain. When the 70's ended Amercian's standard of living froze and has not increased since, and yet corporate profits have soared. And with this profit investment banks invested in what they thought was a safe bet the CMBS market, allowing them to trade on and profit from commercial real estate loans in addition to residential loans. When the bubble burst and they got caught with their pants down who bailed them out? We did the ones they turned their backs on when the profits rolled in.

Meanwhile, millions of Americans are without access to quality health care, because of pre-existing conditions or job loss. Yet our US Congressmen and women have access to the best health insurance in the country without having to deal with pre-existing conditions. Why shouldn't they? After all they are the ones who let the insurance companies get away with murder. It's their just rewards for looking the other way, while millions suffer. The temporary high-risk insurance pool created by the Health Care Reform Act that was to be in place by July 1 is now put off until the fall of this year. Who are we kidding? The insurance companies have until 2014 to raise rates across the board for undoubtedly less coverage. You can't force a conscience on an industry.

To top it all off we allowed the oil companies to screw us again by creating what is likely to be the largest oil spill in American History in the Gulf of Mexico, killing not only livelihoods of millions of Americans who depend on the waters of the Gulf, but millions of sea creatures who call it home. The oil is still flowing, skimmer ships that should have been in place weeks ago have finally been deployed. Why? It's as if BP and Halliburton want this to go on as long as it can. We have the technology to create a clean, reliable energy source and yet the government refuses to acknowledge this. Why, because corporate American would stand to lose billions of dollars. We have polluted our lands, our waters for the sake of profit.

We are fast becoming a third world country. There is approximately 30 to 40 million people living in poverty in the US, according to the National Poverty Center. The population of California is 36 million. Capitalism doesn't work, because the people that run these companies have no soul. They truly only care about profits.

Independence, that's a joke. We are not free when corporate America runs this country. We have to be the change we see in this world. Instead of setting off fireworks this weekend, we should all pray for and send light to the Gulf of Mexico that is slowly dying and all those Americans without homes, without jobs and without health care insurance.

Oil and South Louisiana, An Intriguing Juxtaposition

It will be quite interesting on how legally, economically and politically this oil spill will play out, since most of South Louisiana's job and revenue base is derived from the oil industry. Meanwhile oil continues to pour into the waters of the Gulf of Mexico, killing millions of sea creatures every day.

The shrimping and oyster bed harvesting businesses, another important lively hood here in the South, probably won't survive this disaster. I wonder what the mood will be at the 75th Shrimp and Petroleum Festival in Morgan City in September? Will the oil still be flowing into the Gulf? Where will they get the shrimp for the festival or will it be held at all? These two industries have co-existed side-by-side here for decades. What now?

President Obama said the spill only illustrates how the United States needs to find a cleaner alternative to oil for our energy needs. Certainly this is true. However, South Louisiana like many Gulf states are home to the largest population of poor in America, as highlighted in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. This oil spill could very well be the final blow, if there is not some type of job creation mechanism for the people put out of work in this disaster.

Life is certainly going to change for many here. Oil production has stopped. Hundreds rush to the only jobs available, cleaning up the oil spill.

BP is running full-page ads in local newspapers, explaining how to file a claim. Millions to be sure will be applying for retribution. Will it be enough? No amount of money can fix the damage that has been done to this area of the country.

But Louisiana sold out long ago to the oil field. Lafayette, LA where I currently reside, probably wouldn't exist except for the oil related jobs here. If people don't work directly for the oil industry, they work for the ancillary businesses that support it. I came here myself because of of the oil industry. I was married to a helicopter who got a job with one of the largest helicopter companies in the world, Petroleum Helicopters Inc. Its pilots fly oil crew workers to oil rigs in the Gulf. With the moratorium on oil production in the Gulf, PHI and other helicopter companies in the Gulf stand to lose millions of dollars.

Politicians here in Louisiana face a dilemma, how hard do they come down on the oil companies involved when they are some of the largest employers in the state? Many a closed door session will be held to be sure.

As they argue how much will be enough, oil still spills into the Gulf. Internet sites are ticking up the barrels in seconds, a live cam video feed gives us the visuals, all while marine life is dying and Gulf Coast life along with it.

The oil industry, once the savior of the South, is now its killer. But will the South bite the hand that feeds it? More questions than answers to be sure.

Send your prayers, light and positive thoughts here. Namaste

The Chrysanthemums

In 2001, when the world was watching the World Trade Center terrorists attacks, I was sitting in a masters level creative writing class at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. My executive editor was beeping me and I ignored the beep until I got out of class, thinking what the heck could be that important?

As soon as class was dismissed I called in. I received the shocking news and sat down on the nearest steps. My editor told me to report to the Acadiana Regional Airport to see if any flights had been diverted there. There weren't and it was a very quiet news day in Acadiana and expectedly the entire paper the next day was devoted to the horrific news that large-scale terrorism had reached American shores.

I had no idea a year and half later I would be in New York City writing about the WTC redevelopment or should I say the impediments to its redevelopment.

Here it is, nearly nine years later, I am back in Acadiana. In the 2001 writing class, we read a story by John Steinbeck entitled The Chrysanthemums, one of Steinbeck's greatest works. Chrysanthemums are cut back during the growing season, which enables them to grow stronger in the fall.

I believe in every lifetime we go through a growth period and then must rest a season, where very little progress is made, just some immense thinking. Perhaps that's where the entire country is right now, with the economic crisis. God sometimes does a shearing of our lives, allowing us to go deep into the core of our beings and so we can begin to pull out those things that resonate with our truth. It can also be test of faith. But flowers never doubt they will bloom once again.

Chrysanthemums bloom in the fall, and for best results are cut back during the growing season in order to grow fuller instead of taller.

In the Steinbeck short story, the character of the protagonist, Elisa Allen, was a bright and energetic woman who gave up her career to follow her husband. Since her husband is always working the cattle in their farm, she never has enough attention or any kind of affection. This neglect from her husband causes her to turn to her “chrysanthemums,” of which she is very proud. Her husband’s remark, “I wish you’d work out in the orchard and raise some apples that big” which shows how little interest he has for her chrysanthemums. Elisa does not feel appreciated by her husband and so she takes care of her chrysanthemums, symbols of how beautiful she really is. Early in the story, Steinbeck uses little symbolic phrases to let the reader know that the chrysanthemums are an extension of Elisa.

When a strange man passes through town, a wanderer who travels up and down the coast of California sharpening scissors and repairing pots, her conversation with him leaves her feeling frustrated and dissatisfied with her current life. But his interest in her flowers and her makes her feel good about her self again. Later as she is getting ready to go into town with her husband, she notices the flowers she had just cut were laying on the ground and the flower pot she arranged them in gone. She feels used by the stranger, who smoothed talked her.

In my life, I played the Elsa role a time or two, especially in my long-term marriage to a helicopter pilot, who's career always came first. There have also been many strangers, which I feel can symbolize any distraction that is seemingly exciting, that have waylaid me from my truth. Perhaps that is what was necessary for my growth, to find only emptiness in things that glittered.

While in New York City, I searched for happiness through many distractions never finding it. It was an experience I will never forget, nor regret, but now I long to go back and get my masters in creative writing once again.

I have been severely cut back in many, many ways. I am working a temp job that pays the bills, whilst I figure out the rest. But I have found less can actually mean more of what truly matters in life. Getting up at daybreak and watching the sun rise and seeing the orange bursting from the clouds of a South Louisiana sunset finds me appreciating life in ways that I never thought possible.

So much has transpired between last October and now. I traversed many states, lived in New Mexico, worked two temporary jobs, and tried to get lost in the wee moments of life. But much like when the Chrysanthemums are cut back a lot happens underneath the soil, when we don't notice or force things to come about. I have become more grounded and drawn closer to my truth. Things are just different. So different I don't even know how I existed in Manhattan, commuting, working, and living a life that didn't match my soul's desire.

Faith, it has come and gone. I have been test and apparently found worthy. But through these trials and tribulations I have processed and let go of limiting beliefs, and practiced forgiveness and patience. I have also learned how to accept a helping hand with grace. I used to be so darned independent that I turned away many blessings in my life.

Probably the most positive outcome is that I have learned to use my intuition, allowing the flow of life to lead me. I learned that forcing a door open that was meant to remain shut merely results in a really bad decision. I was a go getter and was more easily distracted by people, places and things that I thought would bring me happiness. In this cutting back, I have learned discernment. I now allow things, letting life meander where it is suppose to go, versus paddling against the current. Happiness just is and I AM. Problems great or small disturb don't disturb my peace. It just doesn't matter anymore.

I don't know where I will end up. But when this season is over for this too shall pass, I will let God lead me to my next job, my next home, my next love interest. This isn't saying I will not do my part in seeking all these things, I just won't force them into happening and much like chrysanthemums that bloom in the fall, that is when I believe my life will again blossom into fullness.

Pain Before Gain on The Road Less Traveled

If someone had told me six months ago when I left New York City for parts West that I would be back in Louisiana living with my ex, I would have said they were crazy or just plain mean. But yet that is where I find myself today.

Things have changed I suppose and for the better, but I grow impatient for the Universe to do it's magic in my life and move me to my next destination wherever that might be.

Some have called me irresponsible, crazy and just plain stupid for leaving a stable job. I don't know how stable it actually was when we were being furloughed and told layoffs were eminent, but I digress.

Being patient has never been one of my strong suits. When I want something I want it now. In reading The Road Less Traveled I realize I need to learn to delay gratification. Also not a thing I've quite been able to do well. Doesn't even sound appealing to me, delaying of gratification. Sounds downright painful. But to bring about change and a more consciously-lived life, I must learn this technique. I guess the old saying "no wine before it's time" makes a lot of sense.

The Road Less Traveled also says life is supposed to be painful and one must accept that fact. That isn't exactly what I wanted to hear either. But working at the US Census I found someone that echoed that back to me.

Mr. Charlie, a senior citizen who has been married to the same woman for 47 years, doesn't have to work, but he enjoys getting out of the house and helping out. He happily worked the recruiting phones assisting those interested in working for the Census through the application and testing process. One day when the phones calls let up, I asked him what the key to happiness is and he said simply "Life is full of good days and bad days, and hopefully the good days will out weight the bad ones."

Everyone loved Mr. Charlie who also said "Don't take yourself too seriously," which he didn't. He always smiled and had a good word to say and laughed a lot when the occasion called for it.

When I told Mr. Charlie about not wanting to work for someone I didn't respect, he told me about a former job where he didn't like his boss. "After I thought about it, my opinion didn't really matter," he said. "Unless they ask you to something immoral or illegal, you just have to do the work and forget about the rest."

Mr. Charlie will be missed by many at the Lafayette Census office to be sure. His last day was Friday. He made an impression on my life. I also told about my hip pain and how reluctant I was to have hip replacement.

His reply "Piece of cake, I had one two years ago and I don't regret it." I guess Mr. Charlie is a wiser and braver soul than I am. "You'll get through it kid," he said with a smile, as I gave him a gentle hug goodbye.

I saw my sister go through double hip surgery about five years ago and it tore me apart to see her having to learn to walk again. She too is a braver soul than I.

Pain before gain....yikes does that really have to be the way it is? Geeze that really kinda sucks doesn't it?

An Emancipated Woman, Looking For The Needle In The Haystack

I have hesitated on writing about the subject of men, but it is now time for this to be said and written about. So here goes.

Right now I am concentrating on my own life and happiness, but eventually I would like to have a healthy long-term relationship with a man around my age. After having been single for the past 12 years after a divorce, I highly suspect that being abducted by aliens would be more likely. I would love to meet a man who respects that I have my own life and is happy and successful in his own right.

The question is where are all the men my age? I have traditionally dated younger men, because they are a heck of a lot more fun and understanding of a strong woman and her needs. However, younger men are wanting marriage and children eventually, something I no longer want or can provide. All I am asking for is a man my age who also wants a relationship that is equal, a co-career relationship. We have all been around women whose husbands define their lives. All they talk about is their husband's life.

I don't need a man to define me or my life. I need a man to compliment my life, to have fun with, to share intimate times with. And yes, women want a fulfilling sex life just as much, if not more than a man. But double standards still exist in today's society. It's a shame, because there are many unsatisfied women waiting for a sea change. It's time.

Women have changed and we require a newly evolved man. However, it seems most men still want an appendage, not a complete person with her own life. They tell you all about their life, rarely do they even ask about yours.

Some men don't listen. They want you to become interested and engaged in their life, but will not do the same for you. Women require someone actively engaged in life, who also is open-minded enough to explore something new outside their own lives.

It's time for a change. It's time we stop defining our lives by men, because I know so many great women who don't have men in their lives right now and they are happier than those who do.

The truth is women are evolving with the times and most men are back in the 1950s wanting a woman to be their helpmate. Somewhere out there is a man, who has evolved enough to put his ego aside and be an equal partner. And as Michale Buble says I just haven't met him yet. I hope I won't have to wait for an alien invasion.

Happiness Without Reason

Suddenly I find myself smiling more. You see I was on this fast track to success and decided to get off or was I thrown off. No, I got off on my own. And looking back isn't going to help me anymore, or so I have decided. And for whatever reason for the first time in my life I don't have this fantasy future planned out for myself looming before me that I have to live out or die. Sure I have desires and dreams, but they don't drive me crazy trying to make them happen anymore.

I am here now, happy or so it seems without reason. I am roommates with my ex-husband, a man I couldn't wait to get away from 12 years ago. But we are friends at this point in our lives and both agree we make better friends than marital partners. However, he still says leaving him was the biggest mistake I ever made. But sometimes even mistakes are meant to be.

Anyway, happiness, I don't quite now how to describe it. But it's funny that it doesn't mean making a lot of money, which I don't right now. Funny it doesn't mean having a lot of friends, because I don't right now. Funny it doesn't mean being in total shape and in the best of health, because I am not.

I've discovered happiness just is. I wake up and am not driven like I was before to change my whole life. I always woke up thinking I had to do something, had to change something, make something, plan something, because wherever I was wasn't good enough.

Now, this moment is good enough. The sun isn't shining. I don't have a permanent job or a man in my life. And so what, who the hell cares. Life isn't about having things. It's about having peace of mind.

I know now that wherever I finally end up living, whatever I end up doing, it's going to be okay. Life is going to be okay.

I suppose one could say I am drama free. I am more conscious of what is going on around me that's for sure. Talk at work, or should I say gossip doesn't bother me. I realize what people say to me is really about them, not me.

I realize that everyone's expectations of me is about them, not me. And I don't care anymore what others expect me to do. I am more aligned with Spirit and where life is leading me day by day. But am in no hurry to get there. Because "there" has been my source of unhappiness. There is no "there." Right here is where it is at and truly all there is. If our thoughts are somewhere in the past or somewhere thinking of a grand future or fearing what is to come, we aren't going to be happy.

I have read about this concept several times in new age books and understood it, but until I actually lived it, I couldn't apply it in my own life. I was constantly looking for something out there in which to pin my happiness, when all along it was in the now moment. And in the now moment whatever is happening one must be happy. For happiness brings more happiness. Thinking that happiness is somewhere else in some other time that lies ahead, we say to ourselves "I am not happy now."

Well, I am not saying that anymore. I am happy. Life is good right now and that's all I need to know.

Peace and happiness to all.