The Chrysanthemums

In 2001, when the world was watching the World Trade Center terrorists attacks, I was sitting in a masters level creative writing class at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. My executive editor was beeping me and I ignored the beep until I got out of class, thinking what the heck could be that important?

As soon as class was dismissed I called in. I received the shocking news and sat down on the nearest steps. My editor told me to report to the Acadiana Regional Airport to see if any flights had been diverted there. There weren't and it was a very quiet news day in Acadiana and expectedly the entire paper the next day was devoted to the horrific news that large-scale terrorism had reached American shores.

I had no idea a year and half later I would be in New York City writing about the WTC redevelopment or should I say the impediments to its redevelopment.

Here it is, nearly nine years later, I am back in Acadiana. In the 2001 writing class, we read a story by John Steinbeck entitled The Chrysanthemums, one of Steinbeck's greatest works. Chrysanthemums are cut back during the growing season, which enables them to grow stronger in the fall.

I believe in every lifetime we go through a growth period and then must rest a season, where very little progress is made, just some immense thinking. Perhaps that's where the entire country is right now, with the economic crisis. God sometimes does a shearing of our lives, allowing us to go deep into the core of our beings and so we can begin to pull out those things that resonate with our truth. It can also be test of faith. But flowers never doubt they will bloom once again.

Chrysanthemums bloom in the fall, and for best results are cut back during the growing season in order to grow fuller instead of taller.

In the Steinbeck short story, the character of the protagonist, Elisa Allen, was a bright and energetic woman who gave up her career to follow her husband. Since her husband is always working the cattle in their farm, she never has enough attention or any kind of affection. This neglect from her husband causes her to turn to her “chrysanthemums,” of which she is very proud. Her husband’s remark, “I wish you’d work out in the orchard and raise some apples that big” which shows how little interest he has for her chrysanthemums. Elisa does not feel appreciated by her husband and so she takes care of her chrysanthemums, symbols of how beautiful she really is. Early in the story, Steinbeck uses little symbolic phrases to let the reader know that the chrysanthemums are an extension of Elisa.

When a strange man passes through town, a wanderer who travels up and down the coast of California sharpening scissors and repairing pots, her conversation with him leaves her feeling frustrated and dissatisfied with her current life. But his interest in her flowers and her makes her feel good about her self again. Later as she is getting ready to go into town with her husband, she notices the flowers she had just cut were laying on the ground and the flower pot she arranged them in gone. She feels used by the stranger, who smoothed talked her.

In my life, I played the Elsa role a time or two, especially in my long-term marriage to a helicopter pilot, who's career always came first. There have also been many strangers, which I feel can symbolize any distraction that is seemingly exciting, that have waylaid me from my truth. Perhaps that is what was necessary for my growth, to find only emptiness in things that glittered.

While in New York City, I searched for happiness through many distractions never finding it. It was an experience I will never forget, nor regret, but now I long to go back and get my masters in creative writing once again.

I have been severely cut back in many, many ways. I am working a temp job that pays the bills, whilst I figure out the rest. But I have found less can actually mean more of what truly matters in life. Getting up at daybreak and watching the sun rise and seeing the orange bursting from the clouds of a South Louisiana sunset finds me appreciating life in ways that I never thought possible.

So much has transpired between last October and now. I traversed many states, lived in New Mexico, worked two temporary jobs, and tried to get lost in the wee moments of life. But much like when the Chrysanthemums are cut back a lot happens underneath the soil, when we don't notice or force things to come about. I have become more grounded and drawn closer to my truth. Things are just different. So different I don't even know how I existed in Manhattan, commuting, working, and living a life that didn't match my soul's desire.

Faith, it has come and gone. I have been test and apparently found worthy. But through these trials and tribulations I have processed and let go of limiting beliefs, and practiced forgiveness and patience. I have also learned how to accept a helping hand with grace. I used to be so darned independent that I turned away many blessings in my life.

Probably the most positive outcome is that I have learned to use my intuition, allowing the flow of life to lead me. I learned that forcing a door open that was meant to remain shut merely results in a really bad decision. I was a go getter and was more easily distracted by people, places and things that I thought would bring me happiness. In this cutting back, I have learned discernment. I now allow things, letting life meander where it is suppose to go, versus paddling against the current. Happiness just is and I AM. Problems great or small disturb don't disturb my peace. It just doesn't matter anymore.

I don't know where I will end up. But when this season is over for this too shall pass, I will let God lead me to my next job, my next home, my next love interest. This isn't saying I will not do my part in seeking all these things, I just won't force them into happening and much like chrysanthemums that bloom in the fall, that is when I believe my life will again blossom into fullness.

Pain Before Gain on The Road Less Traveled

If someone had told me six months ago when I left New York City for parts West that I would be back in Louisiana living with my ex, I would have said they were crazy or just plain mean. But yet that is where I find myself today.

Things have changed I suppose and for the better, but I grow impatient for the Universe to do it's magic in my life and move me to my next destination wherever that might be.

Some have called me irresponsible, crazy and just plain stupid for leaving a stable job. I don't know how stable it actually was when we were being furloughed and told layoffs were eminent, but I digress.

Being patient has never been one of my strong suits. When I want something I want it now. In reading The Road Less Traveled I realize I need to learn to delay gratification. Also not a thing I've quite been able to do well. Doesn't even sound appealing to me, delaying of gratification. Sounds downright painful. But to bring about change and a more consciously-lived life, I must learn this technique. I guess the old saying "no wine before it's time" makes a lot of sense.

The Road Less Traveled also says life is supposed to be painful and one must accept that fact. That isn't exactly what I wanted to hear either. But working at the US Census I found someone that echoed that back to me.

Mr. Charlie, a senior citizen who has been married to the same woman for 47 years, doesn't have to work, but he enjoys getting out of the house and helping out. He happily worked the recruiting phones assisting those interested in working for the Census through the application and testing process. One day when the phones calls let up, I asked him what the key to happiness is and he said simply "Life is full of good days and bad days, and hopefully the good days will out weight the bad ones."

Everyone loved Mr. Charlie who also said "Don't take yourself too seriously," which he didn't. He always smiled and had a good word to say and laughed a lot when the occasion called for it.

When I told Mr. Charlie about not wanting to work for someone I didn't respect, he told me about a former job where he didn't like his boss. "After I thought about it, my opinion didn't really matter," he said. "Unless they ask you to something immoral or illegal, you just have to do the work and forget about the rest."

Mr. Charlie will be missed by many at the Lafayette Census office to be sure. His last day was Friday. He made an impression on my life. I also told about my hip pain and how reluctant I was to have hip replacement.

His reply "Piece of cake, I had one two years ago and I don't regret it." I guess Mr. Charlie is a wiser and braver soul than I am. "You'll get through it kid," he said with a smile, as I gave him a gentle hug goodbye.

I saw my sister go through double hip surgery about five years ago and it tore me apart to see her having to learn to walk again. She too is a braver soul than I.

Pain before gain....yikes does that really have to be the way it is? Geeze that really kinda sucks doesn't it?

An Emancipated Woman, Looking For The Needle In The Haystack

I have hesitated on writing about the subject of men, but it is now time for this to be said and written about. So here goes.

Right now I am concentrating on my own life and happiness, but eventually I would like to have a healthy long-term relationship with a man around my age. After having been single for the past 12 years after a divorce, I highly suspect that being abducted by aliens would be more likely. I would love to meet a man who respects that I have my own life and is happy and successful in his own right.

The question is where are all the men my age? I have traditionally dated younger men, because they are a heck of a lot more fun and understanding of a strong woman and her needs. However, younger men are wanting marriage and children eventually, something I no longer want or can provide. All I am asking for is a man my age who also wants a relationship that is equal, a co-career relationship. We have all been around women whose husbands define their lives. All they talk about is their husband's life.

I don't need a man to define me or my life. I need a man to compliment my life, to have fun with, to share intimate times with. And yes, women want a fulfilling sex life just as much, if not more than a man. But double standards still exist in today's society. It's a shame, because there are many unsatisfied women waiting for a sea change. It's time.

Women have changed and we require a newly evolved man. However, it seems most men still want an appendage, not a complete person with her own life. They tell you all about their life, rarely do they even ask about yours.

Some men don't listen. They want you to become interested and engaged in their life, but will not do the same for you. Women require someone actively engaged in life, who also is open-minded enough to explore something new outside their own lives.

It's time for a change. It's time we stop defining our lives by men, because I know so many great women who don't have men in their lives right now and they are happier than those who do.

The truth is women are evolving with the times and most men are back in the 1950s wanting a woman to be their helpmate. Somewhere out there is a man, who has evolved enough to put his ego aside and be an equal partner. And as Michale Buble says I just haven't met him yet. I hope I won't have to wait for an alien invasion.

Happiness Without Reason

Suddenly I find myself smiling more. You see I was on this fast track to success and decided to get off or was I thrown off. No, I got off on my own. And looking back isn't going to help me anymore, or so I have decided. And for whatever reason for the first time in my life I don't have this fantasy future planned out for myself looming before me that I have to live out or die. Sure I have desires and dreams, but they don't drive me crazy trying to make them happen anymore.

I am here now, happy or so it seems without reason. I am roommates with my ex-husband, a man I couldn't wait to get away from 12 years ago. But we are friends at this point in our lives and both agree we make better friends than marital partners. However, he still says leaving him was the biggest mistake I ever made. But sometimes even mistakes are meant to be.

Anyway, happiness, I don't quite now how to describe it. But it's funny that it doesn't mean making a lot of money, which I don't right now. Funny it doesn't mean having a lot of friends, because I don't right now. Funny it doesn't mean being in total shape and in the best of health, because I am not.

I've discovered happiness just is. I wake up and am not driven like I was before to change my whole life. I always woke up thinking I had to do something, had to change something, make something, plan something, because wherever I was wasn't good enough.

Now, this moment is good enough. The sun isn't shining. I don't have a permanent job or a man in my life. And so what, who the hell cares. Life isn't about having things. It's about having peace of mind.

I know now that wherever I finally end up living, whatever I end up doing, it's going to be okay. Life is going to be okay.

I suppose one could say I am drama free. I am more conscious of what is going on around me that's for sure. Talk at work, or should I say gossip doesn't bother me. I realize what people say to me is really about them, not me.

I realize that everyone's expectations of me is about them, not me. And I don't care anymore what others expect me to do. I am more aligned with Spirit and where life is leading me day by day. But am in no hurry to get there. Because "there" has been my source of unhappiness. There is no "there." Right here is where it is at and truly all there is. If our thoughts are somewhere in the past or somewhere thinking of a grand future or fearing what is to come, we aren't going to be happy.

I have read about this concept several times in new age books and understood it, but until I actually lived it, I couldn't apply it in my own life. I was constantly looking for something out there in which to pin my happiness, when all along it was in the now moment. And in the now moment whatever is happening one must be happy. For happiness brings more happiness. Thinking that happiness is somewhere else in some other time that lies ahead, we say to ourselves "I am not happy now."

Well, I am not saying that anymore. I am happy. Life is good right now and that's all I need to know.

Peace and happiness to all.

Busy Enjoying Life...Happy Easter!

It's Easter today and I am preparing a very nontraditional Easter dinner, BBQ ribs and potato salad. I didn't attend church today, haven't joined a church here, because my stay here is merely temporary. Although, it has proved a longer stay then I originally had planned. But sometimes you just have to let life be what it is in the now moment. And right now I don't have to make any major decisions.

I am still actively looking for a permanent job, but have a temporary job with the US Census that is allowing me to enjoy life in South Louisiana. I had boiled crawfish last week...and it sure was tasty!

Still there is no permanency in my life, but I am finally able to accept that and be happy. Although, my friends and family probably do not totally understand that. Sometimes not making a decision is the best decision someone can make.

While in Albuquerque, NM late last year, I decided to try acupuncture. I went to three sessions and it wasn't really making much of difference in my hip pain, so I stopped going. But the experience did make a difference in my life. The acupuncturist had taken a similar path as mine years earlier and imparted his knowledge of his mid-life change onto me.

Rolando, originally from Jamaica, had dark skin, beautiful dread locks that hung to his shoulders and an engaging enough smile that made me feel at ease with him sticking needles into my skin for the first time. He had a calming, gentle way about him. Even when he had patients backed up in the waiting room, he never rushed anyone.

Working in a non-for-profit clinic, primarily serving those who could not afford medical care, he welcomed each of his patients with handshake and intense eye contact. I wasn't sure if that was part of his diagnostic technique or just his way of greeting people.

He told all his patients, if they couldn't afford the procedure he would still treat them, saying "pay what you feel you can afford." He proceeded with his examine. Apparently the tongue tells a tale into a person's health, because I found myself sticking my tongue out quite a bit for Rolando to examine.

Talking with an island accent he told me he could tell from the condition of my tongue and energy level that I was completely exhausted. He asked what was going on and I told him I left New York City, my career, my life and my friends to find my truth.

"Ah, I see," as if that told him everything he needed to know about me.

Before becoming a certified acupuncturist, Rolando was an engineering professor at Columbia University in New York City. He said he found himself not liking city life and wondering why the career he had chosen didn't make him happy. So like me, he moved to Albuquerque, without a clue what life was to bring.

"You aren't going to find the answers right away," he said. "I dropped out of life for over a year, played in a Reggae band. My friends all thought I was crazy."

He told me that sometimes what was needed was getting lost, before you could actually be found. He said the more you try to figure it out, the less likely the answers will come. He said sit with the emptiness for awhile and don't worry what everyone else thinks about you.

For someone who was always planning, scheming and doing something, sitting empty has not been easy. Being in a temporary situation isn't that easy either. But I believe it's better than taking a job that isn't right for me.

I've looked into going back to graduate school to get my master's in creative writing, but I want to study abroad. However, it seems getting a student Visa these days isn't as easy as it used to be. You have to convince a foreign government that you won't become a financial burden while attending school there. In the UK, the new Tier 4 Visa restrictions only allow students to work 10 hours a week while attending full-time school, which isn't enough to support oneself. However, the good thing is grad school is only a year in the UK and European Union countries. Whereas in the United States it takes two years of study. So I am still doing research.

Many possibilities are floating out there in the Universe and where I end up come Fall is going to be a roll of the dice. Sure I have a plans and ultimate desires. But in wanting something, one has to let go of the outcome and let the Universe provide "the way."

Patiently planning and awaiting the magic and being happy in the meantime that's what I am doing. And like John Lennon said "Life is what happens, when we are busy making other plans." Boy he sure did know what he was talking about. Life is in the now moment and we can't be so focused on the outcome that we miss the moments in between!

Just another day in paradise. I think I will go make myself a margarita and start making the potato salad.

Happy Easter everyone!

Still Floating in Limbo Land

Getting restless in the land of limbo. I am still in Lafayette, Louisiana, working temporarily for the 2010 Census. It's actually quite interesting to see how it is all done. And I have to say my coworkers are pleasant to work with and for and the work environment is stress free. The money is decent and my bills are getting paid. I like the fact that leaving at the end of day, I don't take my work home with me.

Although I am itching to get settled and be reunited with my furniture and personal belongings that are sitting in Northern New Jersey in a moving POD, I am in no hurry to make a final decision on what it is I am going to do as far as work. My resume is floating around cyberspace and has gotten a lot of hits from insurance companies and all kinds of business investment opportunities. None, however, have truly peaked my interest.

I climbed the corporate ladder in New York and have no desire to do the same again elsewhere. I think once you've made it to the top and weren't happy there, there's no need to repeat that experience.

I may go into sales at this point in my life, but I have to believe in the product. I can't sell something I wouldn't use myself. Wouldn't mind working for a wine purveyor, if I liked the wine. Wouldn't mind working in the hospitality industry, because one of my passions is international travel.

I made this trek across the country to find myself and more of what I wanted out of life. I have changed, slowed down a bit, which was needed. I don't need to do, do, do.

"You need to sit and be quiet," said a friend in New Mexico. "I find it a bit funny that you left New York City where there is always something to do and came to the middle of desert and expect to find something to do. Just do nothing and the answers will come to you."

I think the answers are floating to the top at this point. Just haven't found "the" answer yet. And that's okay.

I have to say I have had some incredible dreams. In one dream, I gave birth to my own beating heart, which to me means a new beginning of something that is heartfelt.

In looking back over my career, I find that what I enjoyed is interacting with all types of people. Being a journalist allowed me to meet and interview people from all walks of life. That's why I think sales might be the ticket, because I would be interacting with people all day long. I also know I have a tendency to get bored quite easily and hate being stuck indoors all day.

My favorite job was being a beat reporter and covering a large rural area in South Louisiana. The story was always out there somewhere and everyday was different. I wrote a story a day about everything from murder and mayhem to features on the forestry and crawfishing industries.

I didn't enjoy reporting on big city life or big business and found the stories to be pretty much about the same thing -- money. Money is actually boring to write about or so I found. The fact that math has never been my favorite subject doesn't help matters. I have no idea what happened to the left side of my brain, but it just isn't as developed as my right brain. But as many new age philosophers are saying right-brained people are going to lead the new world order. Is that a paying job? Where do I sign up?

So moving on, the job has to involve interaction with interesting people, travel outside the office, ideally international travel, a reasonable salary to pay my bills and make my life comfortable, involve my excellent communication skills and be stimulating enough to keep me interested. So I revamped my resume to include my hospitality industry education and experience and started sending it out last week to hotel corporations and several travel related companies.

I believe it's totally doable, because I am following my heart and I made a commitment to myself to do this life change. I am not one to sit on my laurels and complain that my life isn't what I want it to be. You have to go after it and that's what I have done. Sure it's been long and arduous, but that's what life is about peaks and valleys. Not all life can be dancing on the mountain tops. It's all in the journey baby...and this has been one hell of a journey and the mountain top looms ahead of me and this time I am on the right mountain!

I think at points in our lives we climb different mountains or perhaps we follow someone else up their mountain only to find this isn't where we want to be. However, we have to enjoy the climb, because we only stand a few moments gleaming in our achievements. Then it's off to find another mountain to climb.

Right now I am enjoying working a job that allows me to live in the moment and concentrate on what I truly want...and I know it will come. When I left New York, I thought I knew what I wanted. However, I needed to empty out those ego desires and go for something more aligned with what I was to become, not what I was in New York. I've changed and I am proud of those changes.

I kind of feel like George on Seinfeld when he's looking for a job and he doesn't know what he wants to do next. He suggests being a sportscaster because he really loves baseball.

"I think those jobs go to people with a broadcasting background or a former sports star," says Jerry.

"That really isn't fair," responds George.

I agree George!

George did end up working for the Yankees, so he followed his heart and there is justice in the world...even if it is in TV land....LOL

Love is Like Pizza

It took me most of my life to figure this very simple concept out: Being in a loving relationship requires that both people love themselves first and the hardest person to love is yourself.

Time after time, we all have become entangled with relationships where we try to get someone to fall in love with us when all along we are the ones who need to fall in love with us. And have you ever tired to love someone who does not love themselves. You will find yourself giving body and soul to get the job done. When one does not love themselves it is impossible for them to love another. Why is that?

Looking for love outside yourself is a losing battle. If you don't love yourself, you will continue to draw relationships that mirror that back to you. We've all heard of the law of attraction and how it works. If your vibration sends out a signature that says I need someone else to love me to make me whole, you will get someone who will abuse you, so that you love yourself enough to figure it out.

I heard this story long ago and it stuck with me. Love is like pizza. Let's say you are starving and have no food in the house and your cupboards are bare. Someone knocks on the door and says I will give you all the pizza you want as long as I can control you and your life. You are hungry, scared and alone and you don't know where your next meal is going to come from, so you let them in. And for awhile your hunger is quenched. But as the relationship continues, you realize this person doesn't really care about you. They just want to hurt you, use you.

In another scenario, the same person comes to the door. However, this time your cupboards are full and you have all the food and pizza you'll ever need. You say to the person "No thanks. I don't need pizza. Perhaps we can be friends and we can share our food, if you wish." If that person really had the capacity to love you, they would agree, but if they only wanted to use you, they would leave.

See the difference. When you are needy and require someone else to fill you with love, you are likely to let them in and allow them to treat you badly. You think you require their love to complete you. When you love yourself, you know you are already complete and no one can change that and you realize it is better to be alone then with someone who doesn't love or respect you.

When a person loves themselves, they eat right. They love their body and treat it with respect. They exercise and get the proper rest and nutrition. They are friends with like-minded people, work for employers who respect them, and know they don't need anything outside themselves to make them happy or whole. When you meet them, they glow with positive energy. Therefore they magnetize to them people who exude those characteristics.

If you are still saying, there aren't enough good people out there to date then you need to change that tune and start singing a different one. You are the only person who doesn't allow love into your life, not the other way around. And if you keep drawing people that abuse you, that's the vibe you are putting out there.

And for whatever reason, if you are alone, then you want to be alone. Either you don't love yourself enough, trust enough or haven't worked out your issues enough to let someone in. Life doesn't do you. You do life. So quit complaining and get out there, and if you keep drawing the same type of person that you don't want, look inside and work it out. It isn't them, it's you.