It’s been over six months since my last blog entry and I find myself in a very different place, maybe not geographically, but spiritually and emotionally. I am on my own again, living in a one-bedroom apartment in Lafayette, LA. Although I made several attempts to leave here, for whatever reason the Universe has me staying put for awhile at least.
While I look out my bedroom window where my computer is situated, the rain is falling. It’s supposed to rain all day, but that’s ok with me. I am getting over a touch of bronchitis, so I have all the windows open and am enjoying the rain drops as they fall over the evergreen South Louisiana landscape. Plus the rain makes for a better crawfish season and I can’t wait to enjoy the tasty mud puppies again. Crawfish are only in season for a few months. You can get them all year long, but they taste best February through May.
Everything has its season even relationships; and as I sit here writing this blog, I release yet another lover, who for whatever reason did not work out. And although I will miss him, I truly believe it is for the best. He was an old flame that much like the last time we met burned brightly in the beginning but soon fizzled. I believe he was a soul mate, which I believe we have many in our lifetimes. Soul mates don’t always stick around. In fact, sometimes we learn more about ourselves in their departures.
In this relationship, being more conscious and a bit wiser, I finally was able to witness my abandonment issues as they unfolded. I realized I still had work to do on my painful childhood and finally put it to rest. Otherwise I would play out this scene with every subsequent lover who crossed my path. Preventing me from experiencing the love I truly deserve.
It isn’t easy finding fault with oneself, but unless we see that every relationship comes to us so that we can look deeper insides ourselves, we will miss the very essence of life. Every relationship takes us closer to the Divine inside ourselves. We will miss that if we pin the blame on the other person in the relationship. No matter what happened in the relationship, it was our choice that we stayed, our choice that we allowed, our choice not to speak up and finally our choice to walk away.
In walking away, I realized that I was still repeating a pattern of falling in love with a man’s potential and not who he was right now. We all have this fantasy lover that we believe will somehow make us whole. But when we project that fantasy onto an unworthy love match, we hang in there awaiting the imaginary partner to appear someday. They won’t, and we are kept in the longing for love stage and not experiencing the love we so deserve.
One of my favorite authors is Sandra Anne Taylor, who has a radio show on Hay House Radio. Lovelorn callers often ask her about love relationships. She tells them to ask themselves one question when it comes to love relationships “does this love honor me.” In your being, you will know the answer.
And so it is, yet another lover leaves and I thank God for my cat Rizzo, who is the true love of my life. Always cuddling up next to me, no matter how good or bad of a day I’ve had. We have weathered much together these past few years and with him as my constant companion, I am never lonely.
What’s next for me? I am the marketing and communications manager for a company that just merged with an Australian firm, taking horseback riding lessons, making new friends, working out and enjoying my life. And when a love comes a knocking next time, I’ll be even more conscious and better prepared to deal with my part in the dance of intimacy.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
The Harvest and The Droughts of Life
It's been more than two months since my hip replacement surgery, and I am now walking without the aid of a cane. Full recovery is expected within three to six months of the surgery.
Meanwhile, I've had a lot of downtime these past few months, but I hit the ground running after the surgery (well almost). I am volunteering at a local Food Bank to do their public relations. I also started writing a weekly inspirational column for the website Global Light Minds. I've also had time to hammer out the first five chapters of my book Following The Light - thanks in part to my editor friend Sue, who has been a constant source of inspiration and encouragement.
However, I've let go of trying to figure out where the Universe will take me next. Sometimes all the planning in the world will never get you what you think you want. During this mecca to find my purpose, my truth, I've often had to throw my hands in the air and say "not my will but yours God."
I've also had to look at the darker sides of my being and honor them and then release them. Loaded with limiting beliefs that held me back, I was truly stuck and couldn't find the path forward. I've knocked on doors only to find that no matter how hard I rapped they would remain closed to me. I scratched my head, cried in fear, called out to God in the darkness asking "why." Only to find the answers didn't come.
The voids are where I feel you do your best work on your soul. You have time to look in the mirror, because there are no outside influences being thrust upon you. You have to talk to yourself. You have to fall in love with all of you, the good, the bad and the ugly parts.
None of us are born perfect. No matter how we want to believe we are whole, parts of us remain in the past, parts of us are contemplating the future and parts of us we have yet to discover.
Sitting in the unknown zone for so long, I am now OK with not knowing. My plans have changed so much since I left the Northeast, that I can't even remember how many times I've sat in bewilderment of what do I do next. I still make plans, but I detach from the outcome and I no longer put all my energy into a desired result.
It's take a lot of courage to be remain detached, to wait, to not push and that's what I had to do. My whole life I had grand plans and most of the time I strong-armed them into working out. But then here I was asking to live my truth. At the time, I thought I knew what that was, but it seems it was so deeply buried that it would take nearly two years of soul-searching to unearth it. Had I know this before I left, I am sure I would have stayed put and worked my nine-to-five public relations job in the city, did my three-hour commute daily and been satisfied in doing it. But that would have been a mistake, as we seldom are given enough insight to know failure will be our greatest teacher.
After leaving New York/New Jersey, I moved to New Mexico and nothing worked out. A full-time job never materialized, one of my roommates threatened me with violence and I didn't find love. I lost my dignity and my shirt, so to speak and it took a long time to forgive myself for not being more prepared for the worst. I thought the magic carpet would be rolled out for me, since I was following my truth. Well truth isn't what or where one might think it is, or so I have come to find.
The truth is we are human and we make mistakes, and life isn't supposed to be a bed of roses. Life has drought times and harvest times, we have to learn to appreciate both. In the drought years, we look inside for nourishment in the harvest years we look outward. During the drought times, we find out the most about ourselves. During the harvest times, we find out most about how we interact with the world. Both are required. All the time we are healing, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
If we are lucky, we have more harvest times, but don't expect them to last. We can't exist in an eternal harvest. A farmer knows enough to let a field be idle for a year, because it can't support continuous life. The soil needs to be nourished and to rest.
I believe its the same aspect that's been happening to the economy. We experienced an over abundance and the Universe had to pull it back into perspective or so I think.
Drought times aren't the most enjoyable, especially when you are ill prepared for them. But still they are necessary for soul development and for advancement, because whether or not we are conscious of it healing is taking place, changes are made and hopefully what emerges is a something better.
I don't have all the answers. All I know is life is change and we need to enjoy and honor the transformational energies in both the harvest and drought periods.
Namaste.
Meanwhile, I've had a lot of downtime these past few months, but I hit the ground running after the surgery (well almost). I am volunteering at a local Food Bank to do their public relations. I also started writing a weekly inspirational column for the website Global Light Minds. I've also had time to hammer out the first five chapters of my book Following The Light - thanks in part to my editor friend Sue, who has been a constant source of inspiration and encouragement.
However, I've let go of trying to figure out where the Universe will take me next. Sometimes all the planning in the world will never get you what you think you want. During this mecca to find my purpose, my truth, I've often had to throw my hands in the air and say "not my will but yours God."
I've also had to look at the darker sides of my being and honor them and then release them. Loaded with limiting beliefs that held me back, I was truly stuck and couldn't find the path forward. I've knocked on doors only to find that no matter how hard I rapped they would remain closed to me. I scratched my head, cried in fear, called out to God in the darkness asking "why." Only to find the answers didn't come.
The voids are where I feel you do your best work on your soul. You have time to look in the mirror, because there are no outside influences being thrust upon you. You have to talk to yourself. You have to fall in love with all of you, the good, the bad and the ugly parts.
None of us are born perfect. No matter how we want to believe we are whole, parts of us remain in the past, parts of us are contemplating the future and parts of us we have yet to discover.
Sitting in the unknown zone for so long, I am now OK with not knowing. My plans have changed so much since I left the Northeast, that I can't even remember how many times I've sat in bewilderment of what do I do next. I still make plans, but I detach from the outcome and I no longer put all my energy into a desired result.
It's take a lot of courage to be remain detached, to wait, to not push and that's what I had to do. My whole life I had grand plans and most of the time I strong-armed them into working out. But then here I was asking to live my truth. At the time, I thought I knew what that was, but it seems it was so deeply buried that it would take nearly two years of soul-searching to unearth it. Had I know this before I left, I am sure I would have stayed put and worked my nine-to-five public relations job in the city, did my three-hour commute daily and been satisfied in doing it. But that would have been a mistake, as we seldom are given enough insight to know failure will be our greatest teacher.
After leaving New York/New Jersey, I moved to New Mexico and nothing worked out. A full-time job never materialized, one of my roommates threatened me with violence and I didn't find love. I lost my dignity and my shirt, so to speak and it took a long time to forgive myself for not being more prepared for the worst. I thought the magic carpet would be rolled out for me, since I was following my truth. Well truth isn't what or where one might think it is, or so I have come to find.
The truth is we are human and we make mistakes, and life isn't supposed to be a bed of roses. Life has drought times and harvest times, we have to learn to appreciate both. In the drought years, we look inside for nourishment in the harvest years we look outward. During the drought times, we find out the most about ourselves. During the harvest times, we find out most about how we interact with the world. Both are required. All the time we are healing, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
If we are lucky, we have more harvest times, but don't expect them to last. We can't exist in an eternal harvest. A farmer knows enough to let a field be idle for a year, because it can't support continuous life. The soil needs to be nourished and to rest.
I believe its the same aspect that's been happening to the economy. We experienced an over abundance and the Universe had to pull it back into perspective or so I think.
Drought times aren't the most enjoyable, especially when you are ill prepared for them. But still they are necessary for soul development and for advancement, because whether or not we are conscious of it healing is taking place, changes are made and hopefully what emerges is a something better.
I don't have all the answers. All I know is life is change and we need to enjoy and honor the transformational energies in both the harvest and drought periods.
Namaste.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
No Thanks, I'll Pass
I recently had a dear friend call me and say she met a man that needs a good woman and she thought of me. This isn't the first time this has happened. These recommendations from friends nearly always start off with "well, he's recently divorced and depressed," which immediately sends up red flags in my brain. I can't stress this enough when someone says anything remotely like this to you: run like hell.
I am currently single and have been divorced for 12 years. Some how people equate being single with being miserable. In fact, the opposite is true and until you can be happy being single you will never achieve happiness in a relationship.
First off, you are not responsible for any one's happiness but your own, nor are you responsible to to heal someone from a bad divorce or break up. Believe me I've been there and done that and have no need to repeat this experience.
Yes, it is true that after a certain age it becomes increasingly difficult to find quality people to date, especially for women. That is unless you want to date much younger men, which I've done, but with very little long-term success.
However, to my point. I have no desire to enter a relationship with anyone who thinks I can provide their happiness or uplift them from some deep dark hole they find themselves in. People just out of a relationship are rarely ready for a committed relationship. If they say they are, they cannot be alone, which should send up a reg flag. Processing issues from a breakup, especially from a long-term relationship takes years, not months.
I believe when the time is right, when we are at our happiest, we just attract the right person. In a healthy relationship, both parties are happy. Both parties can maintain their own lives. They don't need someone or something outside themselves to make them so.
But as we all know, most relationships aren't formed on happiness. They are formed on need and until one can provide for their own needs, they have no business in a relationship.
Also I would like to talk a bit about Internet dating. Hated it. Over a five-year period I attempted to meet someone from a myriad of sites. Most of the time I wanted to run from the meeting place screaming. I think these sites are fine for people in their 20s and 30s, who base love on lust and physical appearances. But when you want a relationship with more depth, I just feel you just have to be patient and wait on the Universe to bring it to you.
As you work on yourself and become the person you love, when you fall in love with your own life, you just naturally attract into your life the kind of person and the kind of relationship you desire. I don't think you can force the Universe to give you something you aren't ready for.
You are the one standing in the way of a good relationship. When you are still thinking about your ex, whether you are missing him or are thinking about killing him, you are telling the Universe that you want him or someone just like him. The Universe doesn't process hate thoughts, so when you think about a past love on any terms on a regular basis, you are sending messages to the Universe that you want him back.
Like I said it takes years to process a breakup and until you are ready for love again, you are going to get everything but.
I have finally reached a point where I just don't care anymore whether or not I meet someone. I am happy with me. A friend of mine said to me one day a long time ago, you just have to let go of thinking about men and get on with life.
I am here now. Thank you God!!!
I am currently single and have been divorced for 12 years. Some how people equate being single with being miserable. In fact, the opposite is true and until you can be happy being single you will never achieve happiness in a relationship.
First off, you are not responsible for any one's happiness but your own, nor are you responsible to to heal someone from a bad divorce or break up. Believe me I've been there and done that and have no need to repeat this experience.
Yes, it is true that after a certain age it becomes increasingly difficult to find quality people to date, especially for women. That is unless you want to date much younger men, which I've done, but with very little long-term success.
However, to my point. I have no desire to enter a relationship with anyone who thinks I can provide their happiness or uplift them from some deep dark hole they find themselves in. People just out of a relationship are rarely ready for a committed relationship. If they say they are, they cannot be alone, which should send up a reg flag. Processing issues from a breakup, especially from a long-term relationship takes years, not months.
I believe when the time is right, when we are at our happiest, we just attract the right person. In a healthy relationship, both parties are happy. Both parties can maintain their own lives. They don't need someone or something outside themselves to make them so.
But as we all know, most relationships aren't formed on happiness. They are formed on need and until one can provide for their own needs, they have no business in a relationship.
Also I would like to talk a bit about Internet dating. Hated it. Over a five-year period I attempted to meet someone from a myriad of sites. Most of the time I wanted to run from the meeting place screaming. I think these sites are fine for people in their 20s and 30s, who base love on lust and physical appearances. But when you want a relationship with more depth, I just feel you just have to be patient and wait on the Universe to bring it to you.
As you work on yourself and become the person you love, when you fall in love with your own life, you just naturally attract into your life the kind of person and the kind of relationship you desire. I don't think you can force the Universe to give you something you aren't ready for.
You are the one standing in the way of a good relationship. When you are still thinking about your ex, whether you are missing him or are thinking about killing him, you are telling the Universe that you want him or someone just like him. The Universe doesn't process hate thoughts, so when you think about a past love on any terms on a regular basis, you are sending messages to the Universe that you want him back.
Like I said it takes years to process a breakup and until you are ready for love again, you are going to get everything but.
I have finally reached a point where I just don't care anymore whether or not I meet someone. I am happy with me. A friend of mine said to me one day a long time ago, you just have to let go of thinking about men and get on with life.
I am here now. Thank you God!!!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
To The New Earth
Spring is here or soon will be. Of course down here in South Louisiana it's been in the 60s and 70s for months. Today's high is 85. Don't envy me too much for summers here hit the high 90s and if the heat doesn't kill you the humidity surely will.
I am past my hip replacement surgery and boy does it feel good to be on the other side of that one. I am one month out now and am walking with a cane. I can drive at six weeks and look forward to my regular gym workouts in two more months.
I feel a new beginning coming on, after what was the hardest two years of my life. But I digress and if you want to hear more about my harrowing journey you'll have to read it on previous blog entries. I am leaving the past in the past.
Now, I am concentrating on healing, then a full-time job in Austin, the move there and my new life there. Yippee Ki-yay!!!! Can't wait to taste Texas BBQ, especially beef ribs. It's hard to find good beef ribs. I like pork too, but beef ribs are the best.
Yes, I still eat meat. I've been toying with becoming a vegetarian, but never could get myself to stay away from the occasional hamburger or BBQ.
In the recovery and time off, I've got to keep up on the world news. My heart goes out to all those suffering in the recent earthquakes and tsunami as well as those in the Middle East struggling to overthrow their fascist regimes.
We can't deny that the earth and the world is changing. Chaos seems to rule the day on several parts of the globe. People say this is the end times. Yes, perhaps many things are going to end. I would be glad to say goodbye to the way the banks and corporate America rule this country. I would like to see humans pull together instead of fighting religious wars. I would like to see hatred of Jews and Muslims end. I would also like to see American and other countries be less dependent on oil and put funding into clean reliable energy. I don't feel it's nuclear power for reasons now obvious.
Change, yes things are going to change. I believe more earth and climate changes are ahead as well. I also see more non-democratic countries coming into consciousness and wanting their freedom. It's like the whole earth is waking up and saying no more. No more materialistic thinking. No more religious persecution.No more poisoning the earth. No more restriction of freedom.
Perhaps end times are followed by a new beginning. In many cultures including the Mayan, there was either no prediction of what was to follow 2012 or it was total destruction. Perhaps it's left up to us. Perhaps we either choose to love one another or continue to hate. I believe a new beginning must be based on love and freedom, not hatred and restriction by governments that have outgrown their usefulness.
We are on the verge of a new way of life here on earth and those clinging to the old ways of living are going to be left behind. Perhaps that's the Apocalypse means. For me I am going to live each day to its fullest.
It hasn't been reported so much on the news as of yet, but I can't help but notice how we are pulling together more than ever before. Japan is getting aid from all over the globe and now several countries including the Arab world have united against Libya to rid it of it's fascist leader. So some good has come out of some very bad situations or so I think.
Blessings to you for living during this amazing time on earth. Enjoy the beautiful full moon and Spring Equinox energies. Love to all!
I am past my hip replacement surgery and boy does it feel good to be on the other side of that one. I am one month out now and am walking with a cane. I can drive at six weeks and look forward to my regular gym workouts in two more months.
I feel a new beginning coming on, after what was the hardest two years of my life. But I digress and if you want to hear more about my harrowing journey you'll have to read it on previous blog entries. I am leaving the past in the past.
Now, I am concentrating on healing, then a full-time job in Austin, the move there and my new life there. Yippee Ki-yay!!!! Can't wait to taste Texas BBQ, especially beef ribs. It's hard to find good beef ribs. I like pork too, but beef ribs are the best.
Yes, I still eat meat. I've been toying with becoming a vegetarian, but never could get myself to stay away from the occasional hamburger or BBQ.
In the recovery and time off, I've got to keep up on the world news. My heart goes out to all those suffering in the recent earthquakes and tsunami as well as those in the Middle East struggling to overthrow their fascist regimes.
We can't deny that the earth and the world is changing. Chaos seems to rule the day on several parts of the globe. People say this is the end times. Yes, perhaps many things are going to end. I would be glad to say goodbye to the way the banks and corporate America rule this country. I would like to see humans pull together instead of fighting religious wars. I would like to see hatred of Jews and Muslims end. I would also like to see American and other countries be less dependent on oil and put funding into clean reliable energy. I don't feel it's nuclear power for reasons now obvious.
Change, yes things are going to change. I believe more earth and climate changes are ahead as well. I also see more non-democratic countries coming into consciousness and wanting their freedom. It's like the whole earth is waking up and saying no more. No more materialistic thinking. No more religious persecution.No more poisoning the earth. No more restriction of freedom.
Perhaps end times are followed by a new beginning. In many cultures including the Mayan, there was either no prediction of what was to follow 2012 or it was total destruction. Perhaps it's left up to us. Perhaps we either choose to love one another or continue to hate. I believe a new beginning must be based on love and freedom, not hatred and restriction by governments that have outgrown their usefulness.
We are on the verge of a new way of life here on earth and those clinging to the old ways of living are going to be left behind. Perhaps that's the Apocalypse means. For me I am going to live each day to its fullest.
It hasn't been reported so much on the news as of yet, but I can't help but notice how we are pulling together more than ever before. Japan is getting aid from all over the globe and now several countries including the Arab world have united against Libya to rid it of it's fascist leader. So some good has come out of some very bad situations or so I think.
Blessings to you for living during this amazing time on earth. Enjoy the beautiful full moon and Spring Equinox energies. Love to all!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
A New Beginning in 2011
It's been awhile since I've blogged. It is winter, even down here in South Louisiana it gets cold and things slow down. Not much happening really. I am volunteering at Goodwill Industries and writing my first book. I also find myself in a personal year one. Numerologists say life runs in nine year cycles. You can calculate your personal year by going to any free numerology site and inputting your birth data. Last year was a nine year for me, which meant endings and boy did I feel some endings.
This year being a huge new beginning for me, I find myself more conscious and the past all but faded away. I am living in the Now moment. Although I am formulating plans for the future. By the end of this nine-year cycle, I plan on making a living by being published book author, living abroad for part of the year, and have a healthy, nurturing, spiritual and passionate relationship with a man. What I love about being in a year one is that I don't have to accomplish all of this in one year. I have nine years to make it all happen.
However, in order to enter a one year without the past dragging behind you, you must have processed your past and let it go. And I feel Spirit took me on a journey to do just that. I don't think I could have arrived at my destination without clearing out all the energy that was defining me and dragging me down. Whether we want to admit it or not, life events and unforgiveness of those events weigh us down and prevent the new from entering. 2010 was a complete life review from past relationships, jobs and how I related to men and money.
Along with all of this looking back, there is also a huge evolutionary change happening to humans. Perhaps this is what 2012 is all about, a new earth and a new human. If you want to look into this phenomenon just look up the word Ascension on any Internet search engine. Hundreds, if not thousands of sites now talk about the Ascension process and how it is changing the earth and its inhabitants.
For me the Ascension process has helped me to be more intuitive. I don't feel I could have awakened fully in a major metropolis like Manhattan. It would have been too much sensory input.
That's why Austin, Texas seems to be beckoning me forward. It's got a small town feel with big city offerings. I hope to have most of my first book written by springtime and then take the last leap of this journey that is now more than a year in the making. Austin is environmentally friendly and the cost of living has remained low compared to other cities in the US. It also has a huge job base. TIME magazine did an article featuring several new companies based in Austin called Austin's Way.
I took a trip to Austin last fall to look into a teaching internship that didn't happen. While there I took a city tour. It did indeed feel like a small town, even with the state capital and the University of Texas dead center of the city. The night life has hundreds of venues to chose from. It's dubbed the Live Music Capital of the World. Several magazines including Outdoor and Money magazines have rated Austin as one of the top 10 places to live in the US. Plus Texas has no state income tax and auto insurance is lower than Louisiana where I now am living.
So as Cajun's say Si Bon!!! It's all good!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
A Dose of Reality for Many This Year
Wow, can't believe another year has come and gone and what a year it has been. This country is still in a recession despite what propaganda the government spews out. Many people are unemployed or underemployed and this holiday season may not find them at their jolliest. But Americans are survivors. We don't give up. We just pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and keep on keeping on.
For me, this year has not been the easiest of my life. I've worked Christmas retail in Albuquerque, counted people for the US Census in Lafayette, LA, started my book about my journey and this blog. Sure I wish I was doing better financially, but money has not been the reason for this journey Westward. It was my truth I set out for and truth was given in spades. I took a lot of baggage with me from New York, over 50 years worth. And as Spirit often does, It made me look at that baggage before I could let it go.
More than a year later, I am lighter by far. I have released many limiting beliefs and am able to see Spirit in action in my life. The Universe whether we believe it or not gives us what we want and only what we truly believe is possible. So if you see the world as an unfriendly horrible place that is what will show up for you.
But if you know that the Universe is conspiring to do you good that is what you will experience. But in order for me to get to that point, Spirit had to show me what my limiting beliefs were creating in my life. I am not going to go into all my trials and tribulations of this past year for it is detailed in this blog and my upcoming book. But suffices to say I've been to hell and back.
However nearing the tail end of this part of my journey, I am more at peace than I have ever been in my life. I know there is a forever expanding Universe that gives us what we want and believe is possible. We are the creators of our lives and until we start taking action on the things we want, we will be stuck with more of what we don't want.
Your predominant thoughts create your reality. I've always had a grand imagination, but my old beliefs in how the world works had to drop away. I believe that our childhood can have a negative impact on our lives, if we don't put it in proper perspective. We often react to the world the way in which we reacted in our primary families. If we were exposed to abusive parents, we have to work to change our beliefs so we don't see everyone in the world as stand ins for those abusive parents. Consciously we don't know we do it, but subconsciously we have done it all our lives. Guilty as charged.
Changing the view of the world has opened up possibilities for me to move forward in different directions in my life. I think I've tested the waters in every professional endeavor I could think of the past year, but writing is clearly my forte. I also love to travel, love to meet new and interesting people and experience different cultures. Some how I have to make a living out of that for in what you love is the answer.
The holidays are here! And I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for my new lease on life. I am no longer angry and bitter. The painful past has dropped away. I now see the world as a friendly place and welcome all the good the Universe can throw at me.
And 2011 it will be mine!!!
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and may all the Light in the world shine down upon you and yours this holiday season!!! May God Bless YOU All!!!
For me, this year has not been the easiest of my life. I've worked Christmas retail in Albuquerque, counted people for the US Census in Lafayette, LA, started my book about my journey and this blog. Sure I wish I was doing better financially, but money has not been the reason for this journey Westward. It was my truth I set out for and truth was given in spades. I took a lot of baggage with me from New York, over 50 years worth. And as Spirit often does, It made me look at that baggage before I could let it go.
More than a year later, I am lighter by far. I have released many limiting beliefs and am able to see Spirit in action in my life. The Universe whether we believe it or not gives us what we want and only what we truly believe is possible. So if you see the world as an unfriendly horrible place that is what will show up for you.
But if you know that the Universe is conspiring to do you good that is what you will experience. But in order for me to get to that point, Spirit had to show me what my limiting beliefs were creating in my life. I am not going to go into all my trials and tribulations of this past year for it is detailed in this blog and my upcoming book. But suffices to say I've been to hell and back.
However nearing the tail end of this part of my journey, I am more at peace than I have ever been in my life. I know there is a forever expanding Universe that gives us what we want and believe is possible. We are the creators of our lives and until we start taking action on the things we want, we will be stuck with more of what we don't want.
Your predominant thoughts create your reality. I've always had a grand imagination, but my old beliefs in how the world works had to drop away. I believe that our childhood can have a negative impact on our lives, if we don't put it in proper perspective. We often react to the world the way in which we reacted in our primary families. If we were exposed to abusive parents, we have to work to change our beliefs so we don't see everyone in the world as stand ins for those abusive parents. Consciously we don't know we do it, but subconsciously we have done it all our lives. Guilty as charged.
Changing the view of the world has opened up possibilities for me to move forward in different directions in my life. I think I've tested the waters in every professional endeavor I could think of the past year, but writing is clearly my forte. I also love to travel, love to meet new and interesting people and experience different cultures. Some how I have to make a living out of that for in what you love is the answer.
The holidays are here! And I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for my new lease on life. I am no longer angry and bitter. The painful past has dropped away. I now see the world as a friendly place and welcome all the good the Universe can throw at me.
And 2011 it will be mine!!!
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and may all the Light in the world shine down upon you and yours this holiday season!!! May God Bless YOU All!!!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Out of the Darkness and Into the Light
Here it is over a year now, since I started this journey to seek a more meaningful existence. Perhaps the meaningless needed to drop away first, before it could find me.
After leaving the Northeast to seek happiness out West, I am returning to New York/New Jersey to spend my birthday and Thanksgiving with family and friends. No longer having to live or work in the city on a permanent basis, I can again enjoy the city for all it offers, great food, great people and great entertainment.
Looking back now, I experienced much success in my professional life in New York. I fulfilled my dream of becoming a magazine editor and I took a look at public relations. It didn't take long for me to realize I just didn't like the public relations business. While the money was good compared to journalism, I didn't feel the satisfaction I felt with being a journalist. As a journalist you are rewarded with a certain contentment just knowing you got the facts straight and either entertained your audience or informed them or both. As a daily newspaper reporter, you did the community a service in reporting on civic events and other important topics.
However, during the past few years, newspapers across the nation have made major cuts to coverage and staffing. Some closed their doors for good. I also didn't really want to repeat my past, but was looking for something new that gave me the same or deeper fulfillment. So during the last two years I've looked at many options in my professional career -- going back to school to either study creative writing or film, buying and operating a bed and breakfast, operating a daycare business, working for the United Nations, working for the US Forestry Department and working in the travel industry.
But none of that came to pass. At the same time I was looking for a more fulfilling professional life, I was also dealing with a major health issue without medical insurance. Like many in this country during this recession, life has not been easy street.
I guess the saying you are only as successful as your ability to get beyond your greatest challenge rang true for me this past year. Although moving to New Mexico wasn't a mistake per se, it didn't turn out the way I had anticipated. My roommate situation became volatile overnight and without full-time employment I couldn't afford a place of my own. I eventually had to rely on family and friends for assistance. Now, I am coming out of this year-long odyssey that tested the limits of my very soul.
But without trials and tribulations in life, how would we find true happiness? Duality can be trying, but what would life be without it. How would you know true joy, if you didn't experience sadness? Life is a series of ups and downs and you have to learn to ride out your trips to the subterranean levels and then find the light back out again. You have to realize the darkness is the way shower to your greatest discoveries. How else can one see the light, but through the darkness?
During your time at those depths, you find yourself going over your existence up to that point. You start asking yourself deep questions. You look at all your major life choices and why you made them. You ask yourself how did I get to this point? What could I have done differently? In processing the past, you realize how you’ve hurt others, how selfish you’ve been, how utterly horrible you are. But some how you discover self forgiveness whilst you wander the halls of the ominous never-ending void. You come to the realization that you did the best you could with who you were at the time.
Forgiveness of others also awaits you there -- parents, siblings, friends, lovers and co-workers. You realize they also did the best they could with where they were in life; and if you don’t forgive them their trespasses, you’ll just be stuck in wander mode all the longer.
Meanwhile your soul is crying out to fulfill its life’s purpose. You ask yourself just what the heck am I suppose to do with this life, these gifts I’ve been given? Being a writer has been both a blessing and a curse. You know you are a good writer, but just how to make a living at it escapes you. Plus you no longer want your writing to be bastardized by corporate America. You long to write about something that matters. So you write a book proposal that piques the interest of a small publisher, but then you choke on just where to start the damn story of your life. It’s put on the back burner while you figure out how to handle your health issues and imploding financial woes. And then you ask, where’s the ending of this so called life story? What’s the point, if there’s no happy ending?
In addition to handling all life's day-to-day problems, you are finally able to release the old. Old worn out beliefs, old clothes, old ways of doing things and old ways of thinking are purged. If you want change, you unfortunately are the one who has to change. You can't expect the world to change, first because it isn't what needs changing, and second of all you don't have the power to change it. You can only change the way in which you react to it.
So you go through a metamorphosis of sorts. You revamp your thinking. You are no longer bitter and plagued by regrets of what could have been. You have to let go of regret, anger and sadness. Don't ask me exactly how. It happens differently for everyone, but I think when you hit rock bottom, you have to transform yourself to climb out of the pit. You can no longer operate under the same assumptions or lest you repeat the same thing over and over again.
You also have to be grateful for everything, even the challenges. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude, can't stress this enough. Just be thankful you have another day to laugh or cry.
During this time you'll knock on several doors that don't open. Early on it's the same doors you used to rap on that opened wide, but those doors are along the old path. "Don't put a comma where God put a period."
And then there is the waiting period in the darkness, when you have no idea how the heck you are ever going to be the same again. You cry and rant at God, asking why, why, me? Why do I have to go through this? All the while remembering you are the one who asked for change. You asked for spiritual enlightenment and asked not to be the same. That's the whole point of the journey, transformational change.
Spirit whispers to you there is a waiting period. You have to sit in the unknowing for awhile. You have to accept you don't have the answers. No matter how you plead for them, they don't come. Your ego is being dismantled. Slowly but surely your ego desires fall away. You throw your hands up to God, saying "Okay what's next, because I don't have a clue. Not my will, but yours be done."
Then you are ready to ask the ultimate question. "How can I serve?"
And shortly thereafter the turning point comes and you again see some sense to this mecca through madness. Spirit has been talking quietly to you. Only in the quiet will you hear It. You understand now that where you used to be, you couldn't hear Spirit calling you. All you could hear was your ego desire for more, more money, more love, more things, more, more, more.... And now you are being asked to be happy with less. Then wala less finally becomes more.
For me Spirit nearly had to hit me over the head, but still I hesitated. Many people in my life were either teachers or becoming teachers. I had, however, looked into teaching several times. In the Northeast living on a teacher's salary would have been quite challenging and making six figures, you really don't seek jobs making 40-something a year.
After several people asked me this past year "have you considered becoming a school teacher," I finally got the hint that perhaps I had better seriously consider it as a career path. So just this month, I applied for a teaching internship with the Austin Independent School District. Plus here in the South a teacher's salary is in line with the lower cost of living. The internship program begins with online classes in January, live classes in March and then you become a teacher intern with full teacher pay and benefits in the 2011/2012 school year. I've decided to teach special education.
How did I decide on special education? Well, while still living in the Northeast I had met a young boy, the 12-year-old Autistic son of a former boss in New York. I felt an immediate connection to Connor. I loved being around him, and I felt I could help him some how if I spent more time with him. But that wasn't to be. So when I arrived in New Mexico I volunteered to do the public relations at two non-profits that helped children with developmental disabilities. But that didn't seem to be enough for me. I wanted direct interaction with children. I wanted to give back. I wanted to help.
So there you have it, one year and one month after leaving the Big Apple, I have a new career in the making as an elementary school teacher. I have come to the conclusion that everything actually does happen for a reason. If you want change, you are going to have to spend some time becoming that change, and that process isn't going to be comfortable. It’s definitely not for those afraid of the dark or of being in the state of unknowing for any length of time. But in the nebulous void, you will find God. To Him you were never really lost in the first place. You just had to come to the conclusion that His plan was better than any plan you could have come up with on your own.
After leaving the Northeast to seek happiness out West, I am returning to New York/New Jersey to spend my birthday and Thanksgiving with family and friends. No longer having to live or work in the city on a permanent basis, I can again enjoy the city for all it offers, great food, great people and great entertainment.
Looking back now, I experienced much success in my professional life in New York. I fulfilled my dream of becoming a magazine editor and I took a look at public relations. It didn't take long for me to realize I just didn't like the public relations business. While the money was good compared to journalism, I didn't feel the satisfaction I felt with being a journalist. As a journalist you are rewarded with a certain contentment just knowing you got the facts straight and either entertained your audience or informed them or both. As a daily newspaper reporter, you did the community a service in reporting on civic events and other important topics.
However, during the past few years, newspapers across the nation have made major cuts to coverage and staffing. Some closed their doors for good. I also didn't really want to repeat my past, but was looking for something new that gave me the same or deeper fulfillment. So during the last two years I've looked at many options in my professional career -- going back to school to either study creative writing or film, buying and operating a bed and breakfast, operating a daycare business, working for the United Nations, working for the US Forestry Department and working in the travel industry.
But none of that came to pass. At the same time I was looking for a more fulfilling professional life, I was also dealing with a major health issue without medical insurance. Like many in this country during this recession, life has not been easy street.
I guess the saying you are only as successful as your ability to get beyond your greatest challenge rang true for me this past year. Although moving to New Mexico wasn't a mistake per se, it didn't turn out the way I had anticipated. My roommate situation became volatile overnight and without full-time employment I couldn't afford a place of my own. I eventually had to rely on family and friends for assistance. Now, I am coming out of this year-long odyssey that tested the limits of my very soul.
But without trials and tribulations in life, how would we find true happiness? Duality can be trying, but what would life be without it. How would you know true joy, if you didn't experience sadness? Life is a series of ups and downs and you have to learn to ride out your trips to the subterranean levels and then find the light back out again. You have to realize the darkness is the way shower to your greatest discoveries. How else can one see the light, but through the darkness?
During your time at those depths, you find yourself going over your existence up to that point. You start asking yourself deep questions. You look at all your major life choices and why you made them. You ask yourself how did I get to this point? What could I have done differently? In processing the past, you realize how you’ve hurt others, how selfish you’ve been, how utterly horrible you are. But some how you discover self forgiveness whilst you wander the halls of the ominous never-ending void. You come to the realization that you did the best you could with who you were at the time.
Forgiveness of others also awaits you there -- parents, siblings, friends, lovers and co-workers. You realize they also did the best they could with where they were in life; and if you don’t forgive them their trespasses, you’ll just be stuck in wander mode all the longer.
Meanwhile your soul is crying out to fulfill its life’s purpose. You ask yourself just what the heck am I suppose to do with this life, these gifts I’ve been given? Being a writer has been both a blessing and a curse. You know you are a good writer, but just how to make a living at it escapes you. Plus you no longer want your writing to be bastardized by corporate America. You long to write about something that matters. So you write a book proposal that piques the interest of a small publisher, but then you choke on just where to start the damn story of your life. It’s put on the back burner while you figure out how to handle your health issues and imploding financial woes. And then you ask, where’s the ending of this so called life story? What’s the point, if there’s no happy ending?
In addition to handling all life's day-to-day problems, you are finally able to release the old. Old worn out beliefs, old clothes, old ways of doing things and old ways of thinking are purged. If you want change, you unfortunately are the one who has to change. You can't expect the world to change, first because it isn't what needs changing, and second of all you don't have the power to change it. You can only change the way in which you react to it.
So you go through a metamorphosis of sorts. You revamp your thinking. You are no longer bitter and plagued by regrets of what could have been. You have to let go of regret, anger and sadness. Don't ask me exactly how. It happens differently for everyone, but I think when you hit rock bottom, you have to transform yourself to climb out of the pit. You can no longer operate under the same assumptions or lest you repeat the same thing over and over again.
You also have to be grateful for everything, even the challenges. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude, can't stress this enough. Just be thankful you have another day to laugh or cry.
During this time you'll knock on several doors that don't open. Early on it's the same doors you used to rap on that opened wide, but those doors are along the old path. "Don't put a comma where God put a period."
And then there is the waiting period in the darkness, when you have no idea how the heck you are ever going to be the same again. You cry and rant at God, asking why, why, me? Why do I have to go through this? All the while remembering you are the one who asked for change. You asked for spiritual enlightenment and asked not to be the same. That's the whole point of the journey, transformational change.
Spirit whispers to you there is a waiting period. You have to sit in the unknowing for awhile. You have to accept you don't have the answers. No matter how you plead for them, they don't come. Your ego is being dismantled. Slowly but surely your ego desires fall away. You throw your hands up to God, saying "Okay what's next, because I don't have a clue. Not my will, but yours be done."
Then you are ready to ask the ultimate question. "How can I serve?"
And shortly thereafter the turning point comes and you again see some sense to this mecca through madness. Spirit has been talking quietly to you. Only in the quiet will you hear It. You understand now that where you used to be, you couldn't hear Spirit calling you. All you could hear was your ego desire for more, more money, more love, more things, more, more, more.... And now you are being asked to be happy with less. Then wala less finally becomes more.
For me Spirit nearly had to hit me over the head, but still I hesitated. Many people in my life were either teachers or becoming teachers. I had, however, looked into teaching several times. In the Northeast living on a teacher's salary would have been quite challenging and making six figures, you really don't seek jobs making 40-something a year.
After several people asked me this past year "have you considered becoming a school teacher," I finally got the hint that perhaps I had better seriously consider it as a career path. So just this month, I applied for a teaching internship with the Austin Independent School District. Plus here in the South a teacher's salary is in line with the lower cost of living. The internship program begins with online classes in January, live classes in March and then you become a teacher intern with full teacher pay and benefits in the 2011/2012 school year. I've decided to teach special education.
How did I decide on special education? Well, while still living in the Northeast I had met a young boy, the 12-year-old Autistic son of a former boss in New York. I felt an immediate connection to Connor. I loved being around him, and I felt I could help him some how if I spent more time with him. But that wasn't to be. So when I arrived in New Mexico I volunteered to do the public relations at two non-profits that helped children with developmental disabilities. But that didn't seem to be enough for me. I wanted direct interaction with children. I wanted to give back. I wanted to help.
So there you have it, one year and one month after leaving the Big Apple, I have a new career in the making as an elementary school teacher. I have come to the conclusion that everything actually does happen for a reason. If you want change, you are going to have to spend some time becoming that change, and that process isn't going to be comfortable. It’s definitely not for those afraid of the dark or of being in the state of unknowing for any length of time. But in the nebulous void, you will find God. To Him you were never really lost in the first place. You just had to come to the conclusion that His plan was better than any plan you could have come up with on your own.
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